Something important happened today… But no one cares!

I bumped into my Sister today. We haven’t spoken in almost 3 years and despite my previous attempts to reach out, nothing had come of it. But today I bumped into my Sister in the supermarket, I had expected her to blank me, as she has done in the past, but this time she didn’t.

She acknowledged me and Dad, approached my Dad first and then gingerly approached me. I’m not sure if she was approaching me because she wanted to or if she just felt obligated too cos she had my Dad?

We spoke awkwardly for just over half an hour. Catch up chit chat, the how are you, I’m good type of chat, filling in on what people have been up too, that kinda stuff. It was awkward, which is weird, because that’s my Sister, it shouldn’t be awkward, but we’ve not spoken or had any contact in 3 years, so of course it’s awkward.

All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and say how much I missed her. But I didn’t because I was worried that she didn’t want that, that she wanted to be polite in passing and not think about it anymore than that.
I was hoping to be able to talk this through with a friend. Just go over some of my feelings, my fears, my hopes. It seems silly for a brief encounter, but obviously I’m hoping it’ll lead to a more permanent reconciliation, and this means I have a lot going aorund in my head and my heart. I want to be able to talk about this but it seems my friends feel it’s pretty insignificant.

I’ve told 3 friends, 1 friend read the message and didn’t even bother to respond. Another friend, the friend who has self titled herself as my most reliable, bestest, always there for me friend, responded with ‘did she apologise?’ I said no that it wasn’t that kind of talk, her response was to say ‘oh well’ and moved the conversation onto telly. My other friend, the “best friend” who understands the emotional life stuff and is always there for everyone (but never me) ignored my text and then ignored my call.
I never call her unless it’s of importance, and yet 6 hours later I’ve still heard nothing back from her.

But when she calls me, I’m there in an instant, and when other people call her, she’s there for them, even when she’s been out with me, I’ve been put on the back burner so she can help this other friend. But if you asked her, she’d say she’s always there for me. She isn’t.
Why am I such a mug that I put up with being treated like crap? Why am I so insignificant to my friends?
Why don’t they understand that I’m feeling 1001 emotions right now and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. This is my fucking Sister, who I’ve been missing, crying over and heartbroken over being estranged from for the past 3 years and yet they can’t take five fucking minutes out of their lives to just chat?

I wish I could just cut them off and stop bothering. And yet I know, that I will be left to struggle alone and get through whatever I’m trying to deal with on my own and then soon they’ll need me, and I’ll be there for them, because I care about them and couldn’t bare the thought that I might leave them in a painful situation to deal alone. Because I know that if you’re a friend, and you care about someone, you support them through their tough times, not just the good times.

Thanks friends.

I really hope that today may have been the start of a reconciliation wiht my Sister. Because I miss her so much. I have dreamed about her constantly for 3 years, and I always dream that we’re talking again, either had a reconciliation or never fell out. I miss my Sister, I miss doing little things together, like wandering roud the shops, having lunch, working out, going for a walk, going for a drive, reminicising about being younger, our Mum. I just miss being Sisters and being friends. I had been so happy when I realised that we had gone from being Big Sister and Little Sisters to being actual Friends and that was one of the hardest things to lose.

I’ve been better lately… I think?

The past couple of months I’ve been better, I’ve not been as down, I’ve still had horrible moments, I’ve still cried, but I’ve not felt that overwhelming fear and dread and loneliness, and the only thing I can contribute to this feeling is that I’ve stopped asking for help.

When I’m ill, or sad, or depressed, or wanting to end it all, I say nothing, I do nothing. I just feel it, I look myself away and I just hope that somehow I’ll make it through, if I just stay in one place and try hold on to life and hope, that maybe I’ll make it out the other side. I guess I kinda am?

I’m also barely seeing people, I’m not working at the moment, so from day to day the only person I really see is my Dad. I might see a ‘friend’ at one point in the week, but usually not more.
I guess I’ve just finally retreated into the loneliness that’s been chasing me, that I was so desperate to get away from and fill with people. I stopped trying. Now I’m just trying to be comfortable in my lonely world.

But now I’m not sure if I have been better or not, have I just stopped fighting it all and accepted my fate, or am I coping better? Huh?

selfish
[sel-fish]

adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

A ‘friend’ of mine wrote about depression, about how sufferers need support, understanding, to not be abandoned or given up on. I know that the irony of her words would be lost on her.
That she has, only yesterday and many times before, abandoned someone who is suffering from depression and needed support. The same someone who no matter what, stopped what they were doing and pulled themselves together, to support her, who never left her abandoned, always tried to understand, and would never give up on her, even when they had given up on themselves!

In the time I’ve known her, I’ve never not once been by her side when she needed. The times she cried for help, however loud or silent, I was physically by her side. The times her depression almost won, I helped pick her back up, I wouldn’t leave her alone or give up on her. The times something was wrong and even she didn’t know what or why, when she just needed a friend to help her understand or to listen. Never once have I ignored a call or message. Yet I have spent months alone, begging the universe to send me someone who will understand and support me, to just have someone say, “Hey friend, don’t worry, I’m here”.

The last time I cried out for help, I was feeling suicidal, I wanted to end it, I sent out a message begging for support, just someone to talk me through it until the thoughts passed, thankfully they always pass. I had no response. A week later I saw this friend, the friend who wrote about depression, who I’ve always supported, She said to me “sorry I didn’t reply to your message, but I’m not going to pander to that sort of thing anymore” she mentioned something about defeating depression by ignoring it. Less than a week later I received a message begging me to help her… for a split second I thought about ignoring her, not pandering to her, but I was always half way out the door to help her.

I wondered to myself, would she remember what she said, “I’m not going to pander to that”, if one day I asked for help and she while she ignored it, I succeeded with ending it all? 
Would she think that she had done the right thing not “pandering” to my cry for help. Would she recognise that she had abandoned me, had forgotten to understand and support and had left me feeling like everyone had given up on me? Of course she wouldn’t.

I’ll just continue fighting it on my own, pretending that I’m fine, maybe one day someone will see the pain behind my smile.

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.”
Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”
Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
David Foster Wallace

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
Sally Brampton

“And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.”
Nina LaCour, Hold Still

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.”
Jeannette Walls

But to a person suffering clinical depression/bipolar could that not seem like a terminal illness?

Does that mean that all the years they spent fighting to stay, all the times they sought help are now forgotten because they’re now defined forever by that one action of succeeding in taking their life?

People suck!

Why are people so fucking rude!

I really don’t know why I bloody bother with anyone. I wish I hadn’t at all.

There is just no need to be rude to people who only care and wanted to try help, arseholes!

Screw people, screw them!! Done with it!

Thank god I’m gonna be end up being alone forever, cos atleast then I don’t have to put up with arseholes.

I can’t take it anymore

I asked a friend for help tonight, all I wanted was a chat for ten minutes, because I was feeling so ill, I needed some distraction, and I was ignored.

Then I put a general message of help out and again I was ignored by everyone.

There’s no one in my life who cares, even when I drop everything for them, no complaints, no questions. If my friends, family, people I care about need me, I’m there, I’ll do whatever I can. But no one will do it for me?

Why am I here? Is this my life, struggle through depression and anxiety everyday supporting everyone else, and be left drowning in loneliness ?

I can’t take it anymore, I wish I didn’t want to be here, I wish I didn’t care anymore :(

Cherish those you love, you never know when they’ll be gone for good!

It still baffles me that I am so different from my Brother and Sister. We were raised by the same parents, amazing parents. Our Mum and Dad are wonderful compassionate people.
My Mum was always helping people, she would give a bed to any friend in need, a lovely home cooked meal to anyone who may pop round and a kind listening ear and shoulder to cry on to anyone who needed it. She worked as a mobile care worker, going to elderly people’s home to help clean for them, help them with their personal needs, cook for them and more importantly, the part that she really enjoyed, to chat to them. Some of these people had no family, or their family had moved on and almost forgotten them, and she enjoyed talking to these people and alleviating some of their loneliness. She was a truly beautiful person, filled with so much compassion for others. She believed there was good in everyone, even if people proved otherwise. She was always optimistic.
My Dad is also as kind and caring as my Mum and there is no one more important to my Dad than his family, especially his children. I suffer from anxiety and have panic attacks often. I wasn’t able to attend school, at one point I was unable to leave my house. My Dad gave me a tremendous amount of support when I battled to overcome these obstacles. He sat outside the college so I could attend classes, he traveled with me to help me break free of my anxiety restrictions in traveling. He’s sat up with me all night when I’ve been extremely panicky, especially after my Mum passed away. His love and support he gave to me to help me create some sort of life for myself is astounding. Most parents wouldn’t do half of what he does for me and he never complains, he just helps. He does this for any of his children.

So why do my siblings treat my Dad with such disregard? We were raised by the same people, with the same morals, and yet my siblings don’t seem to be able to show any of the gratitude or love owed to my Dad?
I fell out with my Sister December 2011 for this very reason. My Sister then decided she couldn’t talk to my Dad anymore either? She came to our house when I was at work and told him he was no longer welcome at her house by her Husbands orders. But she hasn’t been round to see our Dad since. She has seen him in street and said hello a couple of times, but then she has also seen him and ignored him. I think it’s utterly disgraceful that she could disown her own Father this way. He has done nothing, he was not involved in the argument, the argument was between me and her. And if she wanted to see him and avoid me, she could’ve done so by not banning him from her house or to visit him at his house on the days when I was at work, or the evening’s when I was out. It’s easy to know, if the car is here, I’m here, if not, I’m not and she could visit with our Dad without seeing me. Heck she could phone him!! But she hasn’t, she doesn’t even send greeting cards in the post. I made 3 attempts to resolve the argument between us, and sent countless cards, Christmas, Birthday, but unfortunately she never responded. Fair Enough, but surely she, and also her 3 children (his grandchildren ages 16 and 20) can’t hold my Dad responsible for an argument he wasn’t involved in?

My Brother also makes very little effort with him. He didn’t come round to see him, or even phone him on his Birthday, he was “too busy”. Too busy going to play for a pub darts team… because that’s more important than seeing your Father on his 69th Birthday! Why not invite him down the pub for one drink at least? Why is that too much to ask?
My Brother will hardly see my Dad, except for the nights when my Dad goes and plays darts for a pub team. He never comes to see him, never brings his Children round to see him, despite that they get to see their maternal Grandad a few times every week. He never shows any concern when my Dad is poorly, despite my Dad having COPD which is deteriorating over time.
But when my Brother broke up with his partner after 6 years and she kicked him out, he turned up on our doorstep and didn’t even ask to stay, he just assumed it was ok, and of course it was, because our Dad wouldn’t turn him away. He stayed rent free, free food and anything else required. Never mind that my Dad is retired and living stringently on a pension. It’s not the first time either.
How can you ignore someone for majority year but suddenly just put upon them because you are in need, what about when they need you?

I cannot understand how these people were raised but the same people and yet share none of their best amazing characteristics?

My Dad is my world, I enjoy spending time with him, I like doing things together, going out for the day, going out for dinner, spending the special occasions together. I couldn’t imagine not being there for him when he needs someone to take him to a doctors appointment, look after him when he’s ill or remind him to take his medication. I couldn’t imagine not living with him and still not popping round to see him everyday, rather than to leave him to live in isolation because his children are too selfish to think of their Dad.

It breaks my heart when I hear and see the disappointment my Dad is feeling because his children didn’t come and see, couldn’t even send him a card. That on a Birthday or Father’s Day it didn’t cross their mind to show their Dad that they love him, even if sometimes life is too busy to drop in. I remember a few months back, my dad was watching a detective programme and a family had to go into witness protection and leave everything behind. I remarked about how awful that would be, leaving behind family and friends but he thought that opposite, because he never sees his family, he said maybe if we left, we’d find people who actually cared about us. I hate that he feels that, it’s not fair, he doesn’t deserve it!

He’s a good person, he’s always been there for us, he’s done anything we ever needed and they could have it so much worse, they could have a dead beat Dad who wasn’t there, and didn’t care, but they didn’t, they got an amazing, caring man for a Dad and they can’t even recognise it!

I thought that after our Mum passed away, 7 and half years ago, that they would’ve made sure they cherished the time left with our Dad. We were robbed of years with our Mum as she passed at only 53 years old, and we had so little special times to show for it, there was no warning, she was just gone. I want to make sure that when I look back on the time I spent with my Dad, that I made the most of it. That we did things together, that we made memories that will last a lifetime. And I do!

My Dad and I do little important things together. We go for meals on Birthday’s, we send meaningful cards that say how much we love and appreciate, we go on days out – it could be as simple as going for a walk along the seafront or going out for a few hours and having a picnic outside a castle. We do things together. I make sure that we do things my Dad wants to do. I got him a membership to the English Heritage because it’s something he really enjoys and it’s something we can do together. When he’s gone I want him to know that I truly loved him with all my heart and I want to know that he knew that, not only by the words I said and wrote, but by my actions.

I only wish my siblings could do the same, I feel one day, when he’s gone, they’re going to feel a deep regret… and I really hope they do, because they deserve too!

I hope that the lucky people out there who have a loving parent/guardian, and the even luckier who have more than one, always appreciate them, return their love and make sure that when the day comes you have few/no regrets.

I feel blessed that I was so lucky to have such an amazing woman as my Mum, but she was gone too soon and we missed out on so much. I’m blessed that I also have an amazing man as my Dad and I don’t wanna miss out on stuff again, so I’m making the most of the precious time we have.

(note: I really wish I knew how to write well, so I didn’t just ramble :/ sorry )

Does anyone really care?

Does anyone else ever feel like the only purpose they might have in life is to be used by other people?

I feel like when I’m not being forgotten about or treated like shit, I’m being used for what I can offer others.
That might be that I can drive, therefore if a friend wants to go shopping suddenly I’m the only person they want to know. Or a friend is very depressed and needs someone to talk too, then they won’t leave me alone, but as soon as their happy and ok again I don’t see them for dust.

But what about if I need something? What if I’m low and need a friend? What about if I need some support because my Dad’s ill? What about if I just wanted some company cos being alone sucks and maybe socialising with people and going shopping or something would be fun, where are these people then? Nowhere!!!

I spend my time feeling alone and miserable and depressed, drowning in my sorrow that life’s causing me, desperate to talk to someone and have a shoulder to lean on, find someone who might spare me 10 minutes of their time so I don’t feel so alone in the world and can stop internalising all my fears and emotions. To know that someones cares if I’m alive or dead, that my existence matters more and can’t just be filled be public transport or a counselor and that even if it could that someone cares about me and doesn’t care if I can’t offer them anything in return.

Do people actually do that? Do people care about people even if they have nothing of value to offer? Or are we all just out for what we can gain?

I feel like I’m drowning and I’m desperate for someone who can just help me, they don’t need to save me, just keep me afloat.