The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.


Bullying is still bullying even if you think the person you’re being vile about doesn’t know.
Bullying is still bullying when you think you’ve been discreet but the person of your attack has 100% proof that it’s directed at them.
Do not sit there and throw shifty looks afraid to be caught out and then laugh wildly outloud thinking you’re getting away with being a nasty cunt.
Stop wasting your time talking about me, stop contradicting yourself, don’t ask other people if you’ve done something wrong, asking if I’m ok.
If you’re gonna say something, you better be bloody ready to own the Shit that pours from your mouth. And the damage it does.

How can people utter words that can cause so much harm when they don’t know a person and they don’t know their struggles.
They have no ideas how far back those words have set me. I feel like I’m 11 years old again, starting high school, being bullied, and losing years of my life.
It’s Monday tomorrow and I don’t want to go into work, and that’s exactly how I used to feel every Sunday before school. Until eventually I would fear going in so much I would be sat on the stairs bawling my eyes out suffering panic attack after panic attack.
It was almost easier back then though, the help needed was different and was easier to get.
but now I have bills to pay, I have a house and car to keep, help is harder to get, my health is poor, my home support system is gone. I cannot crumble the way I did before because there’s too many things I’m responsible for.
I was carrying enough weight I didn’t need to add this, and now I feel like I’m being physically crushed.
I’m depressed, and no matter how angry I get with myself it’s not subsiding, it has firm hold. I feel the anxiety clawing at me, and I’m battling to keep it at bay, shaking the thoughts away, distractions and motivation and yet it’s clawing nearer and nearer.
I feel defeat, and I hate myself, because I said I’d never fall again and yet one conversation, from people who had no clue, has reduced me to this again.
Because their words bolster some of my own insecurities and doubts, because those words made me worthless, ashamed, disgusted, because they made me angry and I had to bottle it up.

I want to hurt myself, I want to give up, I want to curl up in a ball and never move, I want to take my daily pills and just keep taking them. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, not because I’m lazy, because I can bare facing those vile bullies, because I think I’ll cry and if I don’t cry, I think I’ll hurt them, not with words with physical violence. because that’s how my emotions play out now, I can angry and I lash out or I cry and scream.

Too many years bottling things up inside, too many years feeling trapped and lost and broken, too many years isolated from people to keep myself safe and now look.

I’ve locked myself in my bedroom, I’m comfort eating, I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat, but I’m fighting to hold them back because I don’t want to cry over those words.

I don’t want my every thought to be focused on them, and yet it is.

Just help me, someone tell me how I get those words out of my head, those laughs out of my head, how I pick myself up, how I don’t quit I job I really fucking need. How do I continue on as normal? How? Because I’m beat.

I shouldnt be going through this all again at almost thirty. I give up I give up I give up…

Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

“Stop being so negative, think positive…”

People always tell me that I’m too negative and I should think more positively, I’ve never known in my life for “thinking positive” to vastly change to outcome of anything that was out of my control.

I have a friend who thinks positive about everything, about things that are completely out of the grasp of control and still she will think positive, but she never explains how her pattern of thought will help? What magical power she’s tapped into that makes her so sure that her advice works despite the many times life has actually proved the opposite.

I have another friend who suffers from depression and has attempted suicide many times. She was always a great believer in Karma; what goes around comes around… This is another one of those things that is just a saying and has only ever shown that quite often the opposite is true. People rarely get what they deserve, good people are harmed and go through great difficulties, a baby can die within moments of taking it’s first breath, and yet murderers and vile people can walk the world healthy and unpunished and yet people will believe that eventually Karma will get them?

She’s recently started to talk about only thinking positive, no more negativity, thinking positive will cure all her problems, thinking positive will change her life.

I don’t know where people get this idea that positive thinking is the cure for anything and everything, I must’ve missed the newsflash.

Now it’s only my opinion and I may not be 100% correct but my belief is that positive thinking can be as damaging as negative thinking.

There are people in the world who have never felt more than a little sad, they’ve never felt depression, they’ve never felt suicidal and they’ve never tried to kill themselves. These people are probably the best candidates for positive thinking, they have the right mindset for it.
But I would think the opposite person would be the worst for it, because people seem to think in order to think positive you can’t have caution or concern, that you must believe 100% that everything will be ok, that’s unhealthy. that’s harmful to someone who suffers from a mental illness.

If I thought positive about everything, about all the things I wanted and hoped would happen, my health improving, my sister reconnecting with me, finding and keeping my perfect job, travelling, never losing the people I love.
If I felt positive that all of those things would happen, if I felt even 100% positive that one of the things would happen, and then it didn’t, I’d be crushed. Some in differing amounts, but ultimately I would come crashing back down to my low place and have to build myself up again.

I cannot promote the idea of positive thinking when people won’t admit that positive thinking isn’t the answer to everything, when they won’t allow for doubt, it’s not healthy and it’s not realistic.

I know myself well enough to know I have to protect my wellbeing, to protect my mental health, I acheive this by never allowing myself to get carried away with an idea, I’m sparing myself from disappointment, from failure, from rejection.

The world isn’t a place where things are as simple as our thoughts and approach to life. If it was, we’d all be happy, there’d be no bad and it’d be heaven on Earth.

I think we should promote people to think realistically, to try their best, to have hope, but also to anticipate and prepare that things don’t always go our way. I’ve seen people fall apart because something bad happened, something that could’ve been handled if they hadn’t thought they were immune to anything bad happening.

If I’m going for a job interview I prepare, I present the best of myself, I try my best, and I hope for the best, but I also reverse my dreams, because if I get carried away and it doesn’t work out; I’m gonna feel like a failure amongst other things and then the next interview that feeling will creep in every so slightly and before long, I have no self esteem and I feel worthless and I’d turn up at the job interview and not be able to answer a single question without thinking ‘you don’t want me, I’m nothing’

Holding back, not completely, just a little, holding a little something back means that when something doesn’t go your way, you can stop for a minute, dust yourself off and carry on, because you always knew this was a possibility, because that’s life, it’s 50/50 or 70/30, who knows, there’s always a proportion out of your control and no amount of positive thinking will change that.

That’s the gist of my thoughts on thoughts, Positive, Negative and Realistic.

I’ve found some other things in order to try to explain that my opinion maybe valid, but in the end it’s about what works for you, realistic works for me, it keeps me healthy it keeps me sane, and if positive is good for you that’s great, but don’t tell me I’m wrong because it doesn’t work for me, I know what’s bad for me and I know what’s good, trust me, I’ve made it to 29 after 18 years of depression and anxiety and I keep fighting because when I fall I pick myself back up, alone.

In a 2000 article University of Michigan psychologist Christopher Peterson, a founder of the positive psychology movement, distinguished realistic optimism, which hopes for the best while remaining attuned to potential threats, from unrealistic optimism, which ignores such threats.

A 2007 study by University of Virginia psychologist Shigehiro Oishi, University of Illinois psychologist Ed Diener and Michigan State University psychologist Richard Lucas reinforces Peterson’s concerns. Using analyses from several large international samples, they found that although extremely happy people are the most successful in close interpersonal relationships and volunteer work, moderately happy people are more successful than extremely happy people financially and educationally and are also more politically active. Admittedly, Oishi and his colleagues measured happiness rather than optimism per se, although the two tend to be fairly closely associated. Still, their findings raise the possibility that although a realistically positive attitude toward the world often helps us to achieve certain life goals, a Pollyannaish attitude may have its costs—perhaps because it fosters complacency.

Positive thinking surely comes with advantages: it may encourage us to take needed risks and expand our horizons. But it has downsides as well and may not be for everyone, especially those for whom worrying and kvetching come naturally as coping mechanisms. Moreover, positive thinking may be counterproductive if it leads us to blithely ignore life’s dangers. Finally, as journalist Barbara Ehrenreich warns in a 2009 book, the pervasive assumption that positive attitudes permit us to “think our way out of” illnesses such as cancer has an unappreciated dark side: it may lead people who fail to recover from these illnesses to blame themselves for not being more chipper.

In a 1990 book Seligman warned that optimism “may sometimes keep us from seeing reality with the necessary clarity.”

Pop psychology may urge you to replace negative thought habits with positive ones. But that just exchanges one distortion for another. What you need is to change distorted thinking, be it positive or negative, into accurate thinking.

As the researchers report in Psychological Science, those with high self-esteem who repeated “I’m a lovable person” scored an average of 31 on their mood assessment compared with an average of 25 by those who did not repeat the phrase. Among participants with low self-esteem, those making the statement scored a dismal average of 10 while those that did not repeat the phrase managed a brighter average of 17. Dr Wood suggests that positive self-statements cause negative moods in people with low self-esteem because they conflict with those people’s views of themselves.

Ehrenreich notes 60% of female breast cancer patients attributed their continued survival to a “positive attitude,” yet studies repeatedly show no correlation between developing or surviving cancer and mental attitude. No, you can’t smile away a tumor, says Ehrenreich, who survived both breast cancer and the optimistic pink ribbony milieu that’s now spilling over into prostate cancer. (One researcher writes the disease is “an opportunity” and a way to “evolve to a much higher level of humanity,” rather than a ticket to incontinence, impotence and death.)

Since when are irrationality and self-delusion ever useful–aside from when you’re a condemned murderer and it’s 10 minutes till midnight? Mankind didn’t make it this far through the power of positive thinking, but rather through what Ehrenreich labels “defensive pessimism.”

Life for most of us isn’t sugar-coated and believing otherwise leaves us ill-prepared. Not surprisingly there’s research showing that pessimists are better able psychologically to handle bad events, while one study found that women who perceive more benefits from their cancer “tend to face a poorer quality of life.” Whaddya know? A malignancy isn’t like winning the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes!

The Serenity Prayer’s invocation to have “courage to change the things I can” and “to accept the things I cannot” is a much better guide than anything Dale Carnegie ever wrote or that your life coach has to offer. Just remember that while life can be beautiful, pretending it is doesn’t make it so.


I don’t know how I can hate being here so much and want to be gone and yet want to live and experience everything wonderful. It’s like there are two sides to me and I’m being ripped part.

I just need to get away from myself, in the problem, Times like this I really wish I’d never been born. I wish I had someone to turn to help me through this. Instead I’m sat in an empty room thinking of awful things to do to myself, but if I don’t move I can’t do anything stupid, so I just have to not move.

Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?

Christmas was always one of my favourite times of the year.
I’ve always loved thinking about and finding the perfect present for my loved ones.
It’s not how I show them love, because I do that all year, but I guess it’s a way of saying you’re important to me and I want you to have the things you want, even if it may be something seemingly trivial.

So Christmas is about family, friends, the important people at life. It’s that time of the year when people stop living their busy lives and reconnect with what’s important.

But Christmas is lost for me.

I will spend a few weeks excitedly prepping for Christmas, thinking about all the happy things, and then a few weeks before Christmas I’m suddenly hit with a sombre mood.

Christmas is lonely.

Since losing my Mum, Christmas has lost its magic. Now that my family is fractured and fallen apart, Christmas is empty.

For the most part it’s me and my Dad, and whilst I try my hardest to appreciate the day and time with him, I can’t help but see a glimpse of the future. When my Dad is no longer here and its just me.

The magic of Christmas is the innocence or childhood and the love of family, and as you grow older Christmas really only maintains its magic with the love of family, when that’s no longer there, Christmas is lost.

So this Christmas, I will smile and laugh, I will give presents and have a marvellous meal. And I will spend precious time with my Dad.
But inside I will feel the loneliness engulfing the fleeting happiness.
And though I’m not religious, I will pray that the lonely people out there are not forgotten, that for even just one hour this Christmas, someone takes the time to show them compassion and love.

If you know someone who will be lonely this Christmas, please visit them, phone them, send them a letter, let them know they’re not completely alone.
And if you can do that at Christmas, maybe you can make your New Year’s resolution for 2015 to be to help that person feel less lonely the whole year through.