No Strength

Today has been tough, I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, the unrequited love I’m torturing myself with or once again being lied to by a friend. It’s been a ridiculously emotional day, I’ve burst into tears many times for no apparent reason, and I’ve felt like I’m going slightly crazy, I was writing in my journal earlier about how I felt, I’ve decided to post it and see if it helps lift the weight, sometimes writing it down helps, and sometimes it’s saying it out loud, but when that’s too hard maybe just writing and putting it out into the world is the second best thing? who knows…

I appear to be this strong person who copes with whatever life throws at me… truth is I’m a wreck, I never cope with anything I simply avoid the negative emotions that these events induce and I spend every day gripped my silent fear, I feel like I’m going insane, I often feel that at any moment I could crack, that I’m teetering on the edge and any second I’m about to lose my balance and lose myself to the chaos of my mind. Yet I never seem to, because I do what I’m good at and I push it as far out of my conscious thought as possible, I fill my mind and being with trivial matters and past times, all the while a voice in the back of my mind telling me that soon this won’t work, soon I will crack and I will crumble… and then what will people think… what will become of me then… how will my family and friends cope… who will try to heal me… who will care?

I’m not strong, I’m weak, I’m a shadow of whoever I once was and with everyday that passes I lose a little more of myself. One day there will be nothing left to show, just a shell of a person who was once here. I wonder if it would be different if I had somewhere to turn, if there was a soul in the world who cared, someone who cared enough to say I’m here, I will try to understand and I will help you be strong when you are weak.

I feel like I’m breaking down, I want to cry all the time, sometimes I can’t stop the tears flowing, sometimes my thoughts hurt so much I have to hold my head, and double over as though the thoughts are causing me physical pain, and even though they aren’t, it still somehow feels like they are. Sometimes I explode with rage, and that rage is often directed towards myself, pulling hair, scratching, biting, punching, kicking objects, punching walls. Sometimes I sit numbly wishing my life away, hating myself for the thoughts and wishes and yet still doing it.
I know people say that if your questioning your sanity then you’re actually of sound mind, but is it not possible I’m just aware that it’s slipping out of my grasp?
And then just like that, after crying and feeling like I’m on the brink of madness, it’s gone and I feel, well nothing?! Not happy, not sad, nothing!

I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I have to keep fighting… somehow.

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2 thoughts on “No Strength

  1. Miss Blaize, I stumbled across your blog today as my blog reader is currently set on “Mental Health.” Aren’t tags awesome?! I completely identify with what you describe. When I was younger (I’m now 48), I would go through periods where I felt like I was also teetering on the edge. This was particularly scary for me given the history of mental illness in my own family. I don’t have all the answers but here are some things that helped me. 1) Recognize the timing of the crazies in conjunction with your monthly cycle. I know, I know, it seems completely cliche to blame it on the period but hormones are extremely powerful. If the crazies align timing-wise, talk to your gynecologist. 2) Get regular exercise. The crazies are a result of chemical imbalance in the brain. Adrenaline, for example, washes over our brains to alert us and empower us for action. A brain has mechanisms in place to return itself back to normal chemistry post events that trigger adrenaline. If, however, those mechanisms fail, there’s an imbalance of chemicals which can lead to all sorts of emotional and mental issues. I don’t know how it works, but for me, exercise seems to help regulate those chemicals. It helps my brain get back into balance. 3) Eat healthy. Eat as many fruits and vegetables as you can in a day. Eat more fish and nuts. Adequate intake of vitamin C, D, B12, and fish oil seem to have high correlation with my own mental health. 4) Consider cutting soft drinks out of your diet. I have no evidence to base this on. I just associate a more balanced emotional state with the point in my life when I stopped drinking soft drinks. 5) Have your thyroid checked.

    Your statement “with every day that passes I lose more of myself” also brings to mind a book I’m currently reading by John Ortberg called The Me I Want to Be. I don’t know where you stand as far as issues of the spirit are concerned. I believe we are multi-faceted physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual beings. To be healthy, we have to seek health across all four spectrums. John’s book is Christianity-based – if you are open to that, you might find it interesting.

  2. There was time in my life when I felt a lot like you; just when I thought there was no hope for me, everything in my life changed for the better. I don’t know if you believe in God or not, but praying always helped me; if you don’t choose to pray, maybe meditation would be an option. I feel we all need hobbies in our lives; something that we enjoy, that relaxes us, and lowers the stress of everyday life; for me, that is taking care of my animals (love my dogs); they do wonders for a person’s psychie. They don’t judge you and are always happy to see you and give you love even on your darkest days. A couple of other things that I enjoy, and that relax me are reading, and gardening. Just find something you love and do that to relax and calm yourself. Prayers for you.

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