So thanks to a friend with a big mouth I feel like complete and utter shit. Tonight she told someone that I had feelings for them, I never wanted this person to know, it was complicated, I didn’t think he would be interested as there is a considerable age gap, I was of course right, my instincts are fairly good when it comes to choices like this. I begged her not to say anything, I told her in confidence, she broke it!
The thing is as much as I’m upset, I expected the outcome so I’m not surprised and even though I’m feeling all the feelings I knew I would, gutted, heartbroken, embarrassment, the horrible thing is that my friend broke my trust and she took away my hope.
I don’t have a lot to be happy about currently, he was like my little ray of sunshine in a very dreary world, I knew I had no chance with him, but he was a symbol of hope, he represented the chance of happiness, now it’s gone!
I probably sound horribly pathetic right now, I know I feel it. I can’t explain the type of person I am, even though I’ve tried a million times, no one ever gets that I’m extremely pessimistic, I rarely see the good in anything, I’m a depressive person, I have been for a very long time, I don’t see it ever changing. I’ve never had self esteem, I never will, I question everyone’s intentions, I’m always waiting for people to let me down or reveal that their kindness was some sort of cruel trick, I’m not explaining myself very well, right now I feel depressed, I feel humiliated, I just wish I could one thing, just one thing