After the weekend’s various antics I’m trying to handle the consequences differently, try to let things get to me less, try to be more positive.
I thought maybe I was gonna pull it off too, but today has been difficult and the more the day ticks on the more depressed I seem to get, I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes waiting to escape, I have a horrid sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I’m starting to realise that certain “friends” really aren’t what they appeared and I think the friendship may be over, or will be over very soon. My emotions are mixed about it, on the one hand I liked them, and I’d be sad to see the friendships end, but on the other, I’ve been left wondering if I’ve ever really known them, they appear to be something different to everyone and I can’t help think I just might be better off without people like that in my life.
The other matter is that my heart is most definitely breaking, people seem to think it shouldn’t be, like I should just be going ‘he’s not interested, I’m gonna move on’, really I’ve been trying to do that, but I’m struggling to ignore the fact that I really cared about, he’s a friend, I’ve known him for years, and in that time I’ve come to really care about him, and I can’t even say oh he’s an arsehole, a liar, a cheat, whatever because he’s not, he’s a genuinely lovely bloke, he’s just not interested. So I’ve got to cope with my pride/ego being bruised, being slightly humiliated and embarrassed, and with my heart being ever so slightly broken because I really liked him, and also my hopes completely dashed, and now what is there to be hopeful for?
But my friends think that I should just be moving on, with absolutely no time to lick my wounds and be horribly disappointed, and the reason why is because they bounce from guy to guy, when one doesn’t work out they move on to another. The fact that I’ve only ever been in serious relationships in the past 10 years should point out to them that I am not like that. I don’t mess around, it’s not who I am and when I like someone, you can be sure that I’ve given it more than mere hours thought, I’ve thought long and hard and I’ve weighed the pros and cons, I’ve analyzed the person I like, and then I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, and then if I still like someone, that’s when I say yeah I really like that person!
So why can’t they just let me be abit heartbroken, after all, they’ve caused it! It’s doing wonders for my depression and anxiety.