I really thought I could make a fresh start to this year. Because I really wanted to.
But on New Years Day the drama started, arguments between friends with me caught in the middle, a friend needing to lean on me due to family issues, and my anxiety being around level 8 for no reason.
And then work! I don’t know why I’m so anxious when I’m at work, maybe cos I’m always waiting to feel ill and make an idiot of myself, maybe it’s because if I am ill they get angry with me and don’t understand, maybe it’s because I’m terrified of losing my job, because I really need it.
I’m stuck in this vicious cycle, I feel ill, it makes me anxious, I don’t feel ill, I’m anxious cos I think I’m going to feel ill. I never sleep well, which often leads to me feeling ill, or exhausted and again anxious! Being ill and anxious makes me depressed. All three of these things means that I wanna do nothing but stay in bed. But don’t call me lazy or weak, because I rarely do, everyday I pull myself out of bed, I go to work, I feel awful the entire time I’m there, and then I come home and retreat to my room.
But there are days when it’s ten times worse. I’m being monitored to see if I have Fibromyalgia, because doctors can’t find any other explanation for my symptoms. There are days when I feel like I haven’t slept for weeks, and when my whole body literally shakes from exhaustion and I’m sure that at any minute I’ll pass out. Typically this usually coincide with a work day. Some days I manage to drag myself into work, some days I can’t even force myself to sit up.
Then there is the dizziness, I’m still a few weeks away from a specialist appointment to find out what could be causing it. Unfortunately that hasn’t helped the past 9 months. Sometimes it’s fine it’s a little dizzy spell that passes quickly, sometimes it’s a slightly swooshy feeling, like being drunk, but then there are the bad days, when I feel like the world and everything around me is spinning (yes I know it technically is, but you should never feel it) days like that I can’t go to work, I usually can’t even manage to stand without falling over, let alone get to work and produce 8 hours of productivity! Never mind the fact that I’ve been ignoring doctors orders for the past 9 months and driving my car. Without my car I can’t get to work, or to any appointments etc.
But due to all this I’m now on the brink of losing my job, and I don’t know what I’m going to do?!
I’ve tried to make work understand my situation, they thought the solution was to reduce my hours, but that’s not it, I could be fine to do 8 hour shifts for weeks and then bam I can’t even do ten minutes!
I need a job, I can’t survive financially without it, for starters my medical needs are expensive, home expenses, car expenses, all of that!
I just don’t know what to do? Should I take a little time out from working in the hope that focusing only on my health will benefit and I’ll be able to get back into working full time. Or should I risk losing my job, slipping further into my anxiety and depression by just continuing to struggle on?!
How do I know what the right thing to do is, when I don’t know what will make me better?