In life things will happen that effect you on some level, and sometimes things effect you that you would never have expected and they can effect you on a much deeper level than you could ever have expected.
Today was one of those days. Hearing about someone’s passing can come as a shock, whether you knew them well, knew them briefly or sometimes not even at all, often in the case of celebrity, very few people will have had the chance to meet them and so it can be confusing when you are rocked by their passing.
But you invite these people into your lives, whether it be through connecting with the characters they play or the music they create, you end up making a bond, and just because you never met them, doesn’t mean that your feelings can be diminished. This isn’t my point though, so moving on.
When people die young I feel a huge sense of sadness at the time they’ve lost, the moments they’ve been robbed of, of the memories they’re loved ones who survive them haven’t the chance to experience. Weddings, Birthdays, Children, Dreams.
I feel a huge sense of sadness at any loss, I’ve suffered loss, so I find it so easy to put myself in the place of those who are left to grieve. The ones who have to come to terms with their loved one no longer being here. Trying to find a way to live life again, and not be consumed by the pain and the black hole left inside from the loss.
I remember the initial shock and realisation, my worst fear was transpiring.
I remember feeling guilt, was there something I could’ve done? should’ve done?
I remember being in denial, she wasn’t gone, this couldn’t be happening.
I remember feeling anger, at the doctors who failed her, at the world, at anyone who dared tell me they understood and time was a great healer.
I remember the numbness, the exhaustion from crying, the sleepless nights, the waking up crying, the dreams she constantly appeared in.
It’s something that we all go through at some point in our lives, we just all hope that we’ll be much older when we do, because we find it such a comfort to say that someone had lived a full and accomplished life.
Unfortunately life doesn’t work like this, and more often than not we are faced with the shock of losing some suddenly and too young.
Sometimes its because of a disease, and we are left bewildered at life,
Sometimes there is no other reason than the frailty of the human body,
Sometimes its an awful accident, and Sometimes it is our own self destruction.
We are always reminded of how short life is, and how powerless we are to the inevitability of death.
When someones passing is due to their own self destruction, I can never seem to wrap my thoughts around how?
How does someone reach such a dark place in their life that they either slowly kill themselves or take their own life?
I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for more than a decade of my life. And even though there have been times when I’ve wish I was no longer here, ultimately I have always found something that kept me fighting. My Mum (Rest her soul), My Dad, My family, My friends.
Maybe my loss wouldn’t effect them, Maybe my Dad would cope just fine without me, but if there’s even a 1% chance that I would cause them any heartache or discomfort, I couldn’t willingly destroy my own life. Because I couldn’t destroy them, I love them far too much. So if I have to suffer on in life to ensure they’re safe and happy, that’s the burden I have to carry.
So maybe I understand those who have no one, if I had no one, I wouldn’t be here, there would be no reason to fight. But how do those that do have loved ones destroy themselves, and ultimately their loved ones?
How do they get so low? How does the darkness consume them so much that all they can think about is the relief of a substance or a way out?
How does darkness overcome love?!
They may want with all their heart to be strong and find their way to the light for the person they love, who loves them in return, and yet they can’t, because the darkness is stronger.
What is this darkness that consumes and destroys, where does it come from, and if Love can’t beat it, can anything?!
Is there something more we can/should do for people who find themselves so alone and hopeless?
I can’t help but look at people, complete strangers in the street, and wonder what are they thinking, are they happy? are they struggling?
I’ve always hated that I’m a compassionate person, because it means I get attached easily and I want to help, I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But in doing so, you open yourself up to emotions and getting hurt.
How many times have we walked past someone who needed help.
Who just needed someone to show them compassion, or someone who was so lost in the world, that they were not long for it?
I know that it’s different for everyone, every lost person has a different story, and we’ll never know what they feel inside.
I guess all the love in the world can’t erase the fact that no matter how much we fight it, no matter how many people surround us, we are all alone, in our heads and our emotions.
Maybe that’s the darkness…