The past couple of months I’ve been better, I’ve not been as down, I’ve still had horrible moments, I’ve still cried, but I’ve not felt that overwhelming fear and dread and loneliness, and the only thing I can contribute to this feeling is that I’ve stopped asking for help.
When I’m ill, or sad, or depressed, or wanting to end it all, I say nothing, I do nothing. I just feel it, I look myself away and I just hope that somehow I’ll make it through, if I just stay in one place and try hold on to life and hope, that maybe I’ll make it out the other side. I guess I kinda am?
I’m also barely seeing people, I’m not working at the moment, so from day to day the only person I really see is my Dad. I might see a ‘friend’ at one point in the week, but usually not more.
I guess I’ve just finally retreated into the loneliness that’s been chasing me, that I was so desperate to get away from and fill with people. I stopped trying. Now I’m just trying to be comfortable in my lonely world.
But now I’m not sure if I have been better or not, have I just stopped fighting it all and accepted my fate, or am I coping better? Huh?