I bumped into my Sister today. We haven’t spoken in almost 3 years and despite my previous attempts to reach out, nothing had come of it. But today I bumped into my Sister in the supermarket, I had expected her to blank me, as she has done in the past, but this time she didn’t.
She acknowledged me and Dad, approached my Dad first and then gingerly approached me. I’m not sure if she was approaching me because she wanted to or if she just felt obligated too cos she had my Dad?
We spoke awkwardly for just over half an hour. Catch up chit chat, the how are you, I’m good type of chat, filling in on what people have been up too, that kinda stuff. It was awkward, which is weird, because that’s my Sister, it shouldn’t be awkward, but we’ve not spoken or had any contact in 3 years, so of course it’s awkward.
All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and say how much I missed her. But I didn’t because I was worried that she didn’t want that, that she wanted to be polite in passing and not think about it anymore than that.
I was hoping to be able to talk this through with a friend. Just go over some of my feelings, my fears, my hopes. It seems silly for a brief encounter, but obviously I’m hoping it’ll lead to a more permanent reconciliation, and this means I have a lot going aorund in my head and my heart. I want to be able to talk about this but it seems my friends feel it’s pretty insignificant.
I’ve told 3 friends, 1 friend read the message and didn’t even bother to respond. Another friend, the friend who has self titled herself as my most reliable, bestest, always there for me friend, responded with ‘did she apologise?’ I said no that it wasn’t that kind of talk, her response was to say ‘oh well’ and moved the conversation onto telly. My other friend, the “best friend” who understands the emotional life stuff and is always there for everyone (but never me) ignored my text and then ignored my call.
I never call her unless it’s of importance, and yet 6 hours later I’ve still heard nothing back from her.
But when she calls me, I’m there in an instant, and when other people call her, she’s there for them, even when she’s been out with me, I’ve been put on the back burner so she can help this other friend. But if you asked her, she’d say she’s always there for me. She isn’t.
Why am I such a mug that I put up with being treated like crap? Why am I so insignificant to my friends?
Why don’t they understand that I’m feeling 1001 emotions right now and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. This is my fucking Sister, who I’ve been missing, crying over and heartbroken over being estranged from for the past 3 years and yet they can’t take five fucking minutes out of their lives to just chat?
I wish I could just cut them off and stop bothering. And yet I know, that I will be left to struggle alone and get through whatever I’m trying to deal with on my own and then soon they’ll need me, and I’ll be there for them, because I care about them and couldn’t bare the thought that I might leave them in a painful situation to deal alone. Because I know that if you’re a friend, and you care about someone, you support them through their tough times, not just the good times.
I really hope that today may have been the start of a reconciliation wiht my Sister. Because I miss her so much. I have dreamed about her constantly for 3 years, and I always dream that we’re talking again, either had a reconciliation or never fell out. I miss my Sister, I miss doing little things together, like wandering roud the shops, having lunch, working out, going for a walk, going for a drive, reminicising about being younger, our Mum. I just miss being Sisters and being friends. I had been so happy when I realised that we had gone from being Big Sister and Little Sisters to being actual Friends and that was one of the hardest things to lose.