Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

I’m the fool

I feel like life is playing a huge April fools trick on me today.

I woke up feeling like shit, that led to being panicky, and also stress cos I knew I was gonna struggle with work. On the way into work I felt very panicky so my driving reactions were a little slow and it took me a couple seconds longer to pull away at the red light than normal, this happens to people all the time, just glance in the opposite direction long enough that you don’t notice it changed. Well the prick on the push bike behind me decided to have a go at me, he could’ve very easily just cycled past me, I wasn’t blocking his way, but no he had to swear at me and have a go. And that’s my problem what right does this complete stranger have to have a go at me because I was abit distracted, what business is it of his, I wasn’t stopping him going about his life? I wasn’t causing him harm, so why did he cause me harm? Maybe it’s my fault that I’m such a fucked up person thanks to panic attacks, a “normal” person wouldn’t be affected by it really.
And yet here I am unable to pull myself together after the burst of rage/panic attack/hysterical break down of crying he reduced me too.

I didn’t used to be this weak…
I didn’t used to be this way…

No Strength

Today has been tough, I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, the unrequited love I’m torturing myself with or once again being lied to by a friend. It’s been a ridiculously emotional day, I’ve burst into tears many times for no apparent reason, and I’ve felt like I’m going slightly crazy, I was writing in my journal earlier about how I felt, I’ve decided to post it and see if it helps lift the weight, sometimes writing it down helps, and sometimes it’s saying it out loud, but when that’s too hard maybe just writing and putting it out into the world is the second best thing? who knows…

I appear to be this strong person who copes with whatever life throws at me… truth is I’m a wreck, I never cope with anything I simply avoid the negative emotions that these events induce and I spend every day gripped my silent fear, I feel like I’m going insane, I often feel that at any moment I could crack, that I’m teetering on the edge and any second I’m about to lose my balance and lose myself to the chaos of my mind. Yet I never seem to, because I do what I’m good at and I push it as far out of my conscious thought as possible, I fill my mind and being with trivial matters and past times, all the while a voice in the back of my mind telling me that soon this won’t work, soon I will crack and I will crumble… and then what will people think… what will become of me then… how will my family and friends cope… who will try to heal me… who will care?

I’m not strong, I’m weak, I’m a shadow of whoever I once was and with everyday that passes I lose a little more of myself. One day there will be nothing left to show, just a shell of a person who was once here. I wonder if it would be different if I had somewhere to turn, if there was a soul in the world who cared, someone who cared enough to say I’m here, I will try to understand and I will help you be strong when you are weak.

I feel like I’m breaking down, I want to cry all the time, sometimes I can’t stop the tears flowing, sometimes my thoughts hurt so much I have to hold my head, and double over as though the thoughts are causing me physical pain, and even though they aren’t, it still somehow feels like they are. Sometimes I explode with rage, and that rage is often directed towards myself, pulling hair, scratching, biting, punching, kicking objects, punching walls. Sometimes I sit numbly wishing my life away, hating myself for the thoughts and wishes and yet still doing it.
I know people say that if your questioning your sanity then you’re actually of sound mind, but is it not possible I’m just aware that it’s slipping out of my grasp?
And then just like that, after crying and feeling like I’m on the brink of madness, it’s gone and I feel, well nothing?! Not happy, not sad, nothing!

I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I have to keep fighting… somehow.