Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

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Bullying

Bullying is still bullying even if you think the person you’re being vile about doesn’t know.
Bullying is still bullying when you think you’ve been discreet but the person of your attack has 100% proof that it’s directed at them.
Do not sit there and throw shifty looks afraid to be caught out and then laugh wildly outloud thinking you’re getting away with being a nasty cunt.
Stop wasting your time talking about me, stop contradicting yourself, don’t ask other people if you’ve done something wrong, asking if I’m ok.
If you’re gonna say something, you better be bloody ready to own the Shit that pours from your mouth. And the damage it does.

How can people utter words that can cause so much harm when they don’t know a person and they don’t know their struggles.
They have no ideas how far back those words have set me. I feel like I’m 11 years old again, starting high school, being bullied, and losing years of my life.
It’s Monday tomorrow and I don’t want to go into work, and that’s exactly how I used to feel every Sunday before school. Until eventually I would fear going in so much I would be sat on the stairs bawling my eyes out suffering panic attack after panic attack.
It was almost easier back then though, the help needed was different and was easier to get.
but now I have bills to pay, I have a house and car to keep, help is harder to get, my health is poor, my home support system is gone. I cannot crumble the way I did before because there’s too many things I’m responsible for.
I was carrying enough weight I didn’t need to add this, and now I feel like I’m being physically crushed.
I’m depressed, and no matter how angry I get with myself it’s not subsiding, it has firm hold. I feel the anxiety clawing at me, and I’m battling to keep it at bay, shaking the thoughts away, distractions and motivation and yet it’s clawing nearer and nearer.
I feel defeat, and I hate myself, because I said I’d never fall again and yet one conversation, from people who had no clue, has reduced me to this again.
Because their words bolster some of my own insecurities and doubts, because those words made me worthless, ashamed, disgusted, because they made me angry and I had to bottle it up.

I want to hurt myself, I want to give up, I want to curl up in a ball and never move, I want to take my daily pills and just keep taking them. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, not because I’m lazy, because I can bare facing those vile bullies, because I think I’ll cry and if I don’t cry, I think I’ll hurt them, not with words with physical violence. because that’s how my emotions play out now, I can angry and I lash out or I cry and scream.

Too many years bottling things up inside, too many years feeling trapped and lost and broken, too many years isolated from people to keep myself safe and now look.

I’ve locked myself in my bedroom, I’m comfort eating, I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat, but I’m fighting to hold them back because I don’t want to cry over those words.

I don’t want my every thought to be focused on them, and yet it is.

Just help me, someone tell me how I get those words out of my head, those laughs out of my head, how I pick myself up, how I don’t quit I job I really fucking need. How do I continue on as normal? How? Because I’m beat.

I shouldnt be going through this all again at almost thirty. I give up I give up I give up…