Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

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Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

Something important happened today… But no one cares!

I bumped into my Sister today. We haven’t spoken in almost 3 years and despite my previous attempts to reach out, nothing had come of it. But today I bumped into my Sister in the supermarket, I had expected her to blank me, as she has done in the past, but this time she didn’t.

She acknowledged me and Dad, approached my Dad first and then gingerly approached me. I’m not sure if she was approaching me because she wanted to or if she just felt obligated too cos she had my Dad?

We spoke awkwardly for just over half an hour. Catch up chit chat, the how are you, I’m good type of chat, filling in on what people have been up too, that kinda stuff. It was awkward, which is weird, because that’s my Sister, it shouldn’t be awkward, but we’ve not spoken or had any contact in 3 years, so of course it’s awkward.

All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and say how much I missed her. But I didn’t because I was worried that she didn’t want that, that she wanted to be polite in passing and not think about it anymore than that.
I was hoping to be able to talk this through with a friend. Just go over some of my feelings, my fears, my hopes. It seems silly for a brief encounter, but obviously I’m hoping it’ll lead to a more permanent reconciliation, and this means I have a lot going aorund in my head and my heart. I want to be able to talk about this but it seems my friends feel it’s pretty insignificant.

I’ve told 3 friends, 1 friend read the message and didn’t even bother to respond. Another friend, the friend who has self titled herself as my most reliable, bestest, always there for me friend, responded with ‘did she apologise?’ I said no that it wasn’t that kind of talk, her response was to say ‘oh well’ and moved the conversation onto telly. My other friend, the “best friend” who understands the emotional life stuff and is always there for everyone (but never me) ignored my text and then ignored my call.
I never call her unless it’s of importance, and yet 6 hours later I’ve still heard nothing back from her.

But when she calls me, I’m there in an instant, and when other people call her, she’s there for them, even when she’s been out with me, I’ve been put on the back burner so she can help this other friend. But if you asked her, she’d say she’s always there for me. She isn’t.
Why am I such a mug that I put up with being treated like crap? Why am I so insignificant to my friends?
Why don’t they understand that I’m feeling 1001 emotions right now and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. This is my fucking Sister, who I’ve been missing, crying over and heartbroken over being estranged from for the past 3 years and yet they can’t take five fucking minutes out of their lives to just chat?

I wish I could just cut them off and stop bothering. And yet I know, that I will be left to struggle alone and get through whatever I’m trying to deal with on my own and then soon they’ll need me, and I’ll be there for them, because I care about them and couldn’t bare the thought that I might leave them in a painful situation to deal alone. Because I know that if you’re a friend, and you care about someone, you support them through their tough times, not just the good times.

Thanks friends.

I really hope that today may have been the start of a reconciliation wiht my Sister. Because I miss her so much. I have dreamed about her constantly for 3 years, and I always dream that we’re talking again, either had a reconciliation or never fell out. I miss my Sister, I miss doing little things together, like wandering roud the shops, having lunch, working out, going for a walk, going for a drive, reminicising about being younger, our Mum. I just miss being Sisters and being friends. I had been so happy when I realised that we had gone from being Big Sister and Little Sisters to being actual Friends and that was one of the hardest things to lose.

I’m the fool

I feel like life is playing a huge April fools trick on me today.

I woke up feeling like shit, that led to being panicky, and also stress cos I knew I was gonna struggle with work. On the way into work I felt very panicky so my driving reactions were a little slow and it took me a couple seconds longer to pull away at the red light than normal, this happens to people all the time, just glance in the opposite direction long enough that you don’t notice it changed. Well the prick on the push bike behind me decided to have a go at me, he could’ve very easily just cycled past me, I wasn’t blocking his way, but no he had to swear at me and have a go. And that’s my problem what right does this complete stranger have to have a go at me because I was abit distracted, what business is it of his, I wasn’t stopping him going about his life? I wasn’t causing him harm, so why did he cause me harm? Maybe it’s my fault that I’m such a fucked up person thanks to panic attacks, a “normal” person wouldn’t be affected by it really.
And yet here I am unable to pull myself together after the burst of rage/panic attack/hysterical break down of crying he reduced me too.

I didn’t used to be this weak…
I didn’t used to be this way…