I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading
The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.
I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.
So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.
I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.
I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.
So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.
I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.
I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.
I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.
I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.
I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.
I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.
Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?
“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.”
― Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun
“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”
― Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
― David Foster Wallace
“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls
“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
― Sally Brampton
“And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.”
― Nina LaCour, Hold Still
“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.”
― Jeannette Walls
But to a person suffering clinical depression/bipolar could that not seem like a terminal illness?
Does that mean that all the years they spent fighting to stay, all the times they sought help are now forgotten because they’re now defined forever by that one action of succeeding in taking their life?
My Dad was diagnosed with COPD about 7 years ago, he was prescribed various inhalers that would help keep the condition under control. However unless I nag him he won’t take them.
He went to the doctors today and they want him to go for a chest xray as they think his chest is getting worse and that the inhalers aren’t working.
I’m so angry with him, because the inhalers would probably have worked fine, if he could’ve just cared enough to take them everyday, heck even just ever other day! I put them right next to the kettle with a laminated A4 page that said what to take, how much and when! He must go to that kettle a good 15 times a day for a tea and yet he never takes those inhalers!
I don’t wanna lose my Dad, I love him so much. I don’t wanna not be able to do the stuff we still want to do. I don’t want him to not be here if I ever get married. I don’t want his grandchildren to not get another good 10-20 years with him.
I can’t cope if I lose him, he’s my rock. He’s the light in a dark world. The voice that keeps me sane and grounded. I don’t wanna lose him. I can’t! I already lost my Mum, I can’t lose my Dad too.
I’ve had a complete crash. Last night a few little things just tipped me over the edge, and now my head is all panic and bad thoughts constantly. I want to break down and cry, but I think if I do, they’ll be no coming back from it.
And there’s absolutely no one to turn too, I can’t turn to my Dad, I can’t burden him with this, I can’t turn to my best friend, cos she can’t handle it, I have to be strong for her, and I can’t turn to my other friend cos she doesn’t understand, it’s just pull yourself together and get on with it.
And everyone else is non existent, sometimes I wonder why I’m so desperate to stay here if I’m already so alone?
My family have always been the most important thing to me, then my friends, then every thing else.
Seeing my brother struggling in his relationship break up with the mother of his children is hard. He’s now realising he never dealt with the death of our mum, and how much he leaned on his now ex, for support in that crucial time.
A few days ago he tried to top himself, luckily he’s staying with a friend, and his friend popped into his room unexpectedly and stopped him and is keeping the pills away from him now.
My brother has now decided he will seek help from the doctor for the depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s made me realise that even though I understand what he’s going through, I don’t know how to help him, because I’m not in a good place either, so I’m kinda just in agreement with him, how can you tell someone not to take their own life and to stay here when you don’t wanna be here either?!
I stay strong for my family, for my dad! I hope the doctors can help him realise he has so much to stay strong for, his two beautiful children, our dad, me, the many people who love him!
The funny thing after my Mum’s death was that me and my dad both went to counselors, different ones, my sister and brother didn’t, they both took themselves away from the situation and buried themselves into their own little families.
They’re now the ones who can’t handle thinking about Mum, who haven’t come to terms with her passing, even tho I still miss my mum more than anything, and i always will, I can think of her fondly, and I can remember beautiful memories, I can be in the house and room that she passed in without much thought. I can visit her grave and talk and smile, I cry too but I guess I have dealt with her loss more than they have, maybe as much as I can, I’m in a healthier place. I sure do miss her alot though, she was such a beautiful person inside and out. So compassionate and caring even to people she didn’t know! A very beautiful soul! My world is certainly a darker place without her.
I hope the doctors help My brother, until then I will continue to worry and fret about him.