It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

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Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

I’ve been feeling like depression is waiting just at the edges of my life, clawing at me, trying to consume me again. Today it’s succeeding.

At night I let it in, in my dreams, and now it’s in my waking hours! and I want to hurt myself. There is a broken in the spare room and all I can think of is dragging my wrists over the broken edges. I know this isn’t a healthy thing to be thinking and yet I can’t stop.

And I’m crying out help to me, but it’s falling on deaf ears. Once again I’m left completely alone to fight my demons.
Someone please rescue me from here, please

Happy Birthday Mum

March 20th 2013 would have been my Mum’s 60th birthday. Unfortunately she passed away in 2006.

6 years, 4 months and 5 days on it hasn’t got any easier. People lead you to believe that time heals the wound that death inflicts on your soul. But it doesn’t. You’re left with a scar on your soul, something forever missing from your life.

I think of all the things I would’ve done for my Mum’s birthday had she been here. Instead I’ve brought her flowers that I will place at her grave.

I often dream of my Mum, I worry slightly that my dreams of her mean that a part of me still believes she’s here, still believes she’ll be back, as though she’s simply gone away and will return. Sometimes after dreaming of her, I will wake up and be hit with the pain of losing her all over again, because the dreams are so wonderful and that’s all I have now.

Dear Mum, Wherever you are, I hope you know how much I loved you and still do love you, more than anything, and how much I miss you, and how I wish that you were here with me still, because life is empty without you. You were my best friend, an amazing Mum, you were the world to me. Happy Birthday Mum xx