Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

I’ve been better lately… I think?

The past couple of months I’ve been better, I’ve not been as down, I’ve still had horrible moments, I’ve still cried, but I’ve not felt that overwhelming fear and dread and loneliness, and the only thing I can contribute to this feeling is that I’ve stopped asking for help.

When I’m ill, or sad, or depressed, or wanting to end it all, I say nothing, I do nothing. I just feel it, I look myself away and I just hope that somehow I’ll make it through, if I just stay in one place and try hold on to life and hope, that maybe I’ll make it out the other side. I guess I kinda am?

I’m also barely seeing people, I’m not working at the moment, so from day to day the only person I really see is my Dad. I might see a ‘friend’ at one point in the week, but usually not more.
I guess I’ve just finally retreated into the loneliness that’s been chasing me, that I was so desperate to get away from and fill with people. I stopped trying. Now I’m just trying to be comfortable in my lonely world.

But now I’m not sure if I have been better or not, have I just stopped fighting it all and accepted my fate, or am I coping better? Huh?

Life is too short…

In life things will happen that effect you on some level, and sometimes things effect you that you would never have expected and they can effect you on a much deeper level than you could ever have expected.

Today was one of those days. Hearing about someone’s passing can come as a shock, whether you knew them well, knew them briefly or sometimes not even at all, often in the case of celebrity, very few people will have had the chance to meet them and so it can be confusing when you are rocked by their passing.

But you invite these people into your lives, whether it be through connecting with the characters they play or the music they create, you end up making a bond, and just because you never met them, doesn’t mean that your feelings can be diminished. This isn’t my point though, so moving on.

When people die young I feel a huge sense of sadness at the time they’ve lost, the moments they’ve been robbed of, of the memories they’re loved ones who survive them haven’t the chance to experience. Weddings, Birthdays, Children, Dreams.

I feel a huge sense of sadness at any loss, I’ve suffered loss, so I find it so easy to put myself in the place of those who are left to grieve. The ones who have to come to terms with their loved one no longer being here. Trying to find a way to live life again, and not be consumed by the pain and the black hole left inside from the loss.

I remember the initial shock and realisation, my worst fear was transpiring.
I remember feeling guilt, was there something I could’ve done? should’ve done?

I remember being in denial, she wasn’t gone, this couldn’t be happening.
I remember feeling anger, at the doctors who failed her, at the world, at anyone who dared tell me they understood and time was a great healer.
I remember the numbness, the exhaustion from crying, the sleepless nights, the waking up crying, the dreams she constantly appeared in.

It’s something that we all go through at some point in our lives, we just all hope that we’ll be much older when we do, because we find it such a comfort to say that someone had lived a full and accomplished life.
Unfortunately life doesn’t work like this, and more often than not we are faced with the shock of losing some suddenly and too young.

Sometimes its because of a disease, and we are left bewildered at life,

Sometimes there is no other reason than the frailty of the human body,

Sometimes its an awful accident, and Sometimes it is our own self destruction.
We are always reminded of how short life is, and how powerless we are to the inevitability of death.

When someones passing is due to their own self destruction, I can never seem to wrap my thoughts around how?
How does someone reach such a dark place in their life that they either slowly kill themselves or take their own life?

I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for more than a decade of my life. And even though there have been times when I’ve wish I was no longer here, ultimately I have always found something that kept me fighting. My Mum (Rest her soul), My Dad, My family, My friends.
Maybe my loss wouldn’t effect them, Maybe my Dad would cope just fine without me, but if there’s even a 1% chance that I would cause them any heartache or discomfort, I couldn’t willingly destroy my own life. Because I couldn’t destroy them, I love them far too much. So if I have to suffer on in life to ensure they’re safe and happy, that’s the burden I have to carry.

So maybe I understand those who have no one, if I had no one, I wouldn’t be here, there would be no reason to fight. But how do those that do have loved ones destroy themselves, and ultimately their loved ones?

How do they get so low? How does the darkness consume them so much that all they can think about is the relief of a substance or a way out?
How does darkness overcome love?!

They may want with all their heart to be strong and find their way to the light for the person they love, who loves them in return, and yet they can’t, because the darkness is stronger.

What is this darkness that consumes and destroys, where does it come from, and if Love can’t beat it, can anything?!

Is there something more we can/should do for people who find themselves so alone and hopeless?

I can’t help but look at people, complete strangers in the street, and wonder what are they thinking, are they happy? are they struggling?

I’ve always hated that I’m a compassionate person, because it means I get attached easily and I want to help, I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But in doing so, you open yourself up to emotions and getting hurt.

How many times have we walked past someone who needed help.
Who just needed someone to show them compassion, or someone who was so lost in the world, that they were not long for it?
I know that it’s different for everyone, every lost person has a different story, and we’ll never know what they feel inside.

I guess all the love in the world can’t erase the fact that no matter how much we fight it, no matter how many people surround us, we are all alone, in our heads and our emotions.
Maybe that’s the darkness…

Love Unspoken…

I’m tormenting myself with love, it could be unrequited, but I’d actually have to tell him to find that out.
I’ve never been good at exposing my feelings, I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable to people. I did it once before and was eventually left devastated by someone who claimed to love me.

Now I’m so terrified of history repeating that I’ve closed myself off from the possibility and the only person hurting me is now myself!

This is one of the biggest traits of my personality, I’ve forever kept people at a distance and when my mum died it only heightened this defence.
As I see it when people know your true emotions, they gain power, power they can wield over you, they use those emotions against you, in my experience this is what has happened, this is why I keep people at bay.

But I’m in love, and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea. He’s a friend in a circle of people I know and see frequently. I’ve liked him almost as long as I’ve known him.

When I first met him I was attracted to him but I was with someone else so I never thought anymore of it. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him, and I eventually realised I had a bit of a crush on him. Again I was still with someone, this relationship was slowly coming to an end, not that it mattered he was in a long-term relationship anyway.

Then a couple of years ago something happened that made me realised I had fallen in love with him, so I tried to get over it, after all he was with someone, I had sworn never to love again, apparently my heart had other ideas!

I made the conscious decision to just enjoy having a crush on someone, enjoy our talks, enjoy our hugs and try to think nothing more of it. It sort of worked, sometimes it didn’t and I would come away feeling utterly miserable realising I’d fallen for someone I couldn’t have but really wanted.

Things continued on like that for a while, I tried not seeing him, but it just made me think of him more and miss him more.
The recently he became single and my heart did a little leap of joy.
My heart says tell him how you feel, see what happens, my head says woman you are crazy, he’s never gonna be interested in you and even if he was he’d only hurt you, my heart thinks so what, your miserable anyway, what do you have to lose, my head answers your pride!

And this is where I am stuck, a constant battle between my head and heart, whenever I see him I’m happy, when he hugs me I feel at peace and lost in my own secret world of joy, when I have to break away from the hug and go home I feel utterly depressed and it gets harder every time.

When I’m not around him I think about him frequently, he’s quite often the first and last thought of my day, I have no doubt I’m in love with this man, but unfortunately I just have no idea what he would think or feel if he knew?

I’m too afraid to find out, so is this the hell I’m gonna be stuck in now, loving, wishing, hoping, but never knowing?

“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But it’s worse to love someone and never find the courage to tell them how you feel…” – Unknown

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” – Federico García Lorca

“I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home” – Christina Perri, Arms