The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.


Day 3

It’s day 3 of exercising and eating healthy.
I have been eating healthy meals, trying to drink plenty and exercising!
I had a naughty thing yesterday though 😦 but when my friend tried to get me to eat McDonald’s so she could without feeling bad, I stuck to my guns and refused! Kinda proud of myself.

I feel very motivated at the moment, hopefully this will stay and not fade after a few days!

Exercise = Ouch!

Well now I have no job, I figured I no longer have the excuse of not having time to exercise, cos all I have is time!

My fitness is rubbish and I really struggled but I managed to do 30 minutes of exercise and definitely got my heart rate up, and even though that made me very anxious, I kept my anxiety under control and I think my recovery rate was fairly good.
So for the next week I’m gonna do the same exercise each day, and try to improve my technique and effort put in, hopefully then I can up it and so on.

I know I need to lose weight, it will improve my health now, it will improve my health in the long run and hopefully reduce my risk of type 2 diabetes and heart disease. And maybe the exercise will also help my depression.

The work out I did today was this;

Building the pyramids (poorly executed :/ )
10 squats
10 squats, 10 push ups
10 squats, 10 push ups, 10 crunches
10 squats, 10 push ups, 10 crunches, 10 star jumps
10 star jumps, 10 crunches, 10 lunges, 10 push ups
10 star jumps, 10 crunches, 10 lunges
10 star jumps, 10 crunches
10 star jumps

Exercise Bike
5 minute warm up *increase resistance*
10 sec sprint, 50 sec normal
20 sec sprint, 40 sec normal
30 sec sprint, 30 sec normal
20 sec sprint, 40 sec normal
10 sec sprint, 50 sec normal (was suppose to repeat the sprint part 3 times :/ )
1 minute cool down