Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

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Where are you Christmas? Why can’t I find you?

Christmas was always one of my favourite times of the year.
I’ve always loved thinking about and finding the perfect present for my loved ones.
It’s not how I show them love, because I do that all year, but I guess it’s a way of saying you’re important to me and I want you to have the things you want, even if it may be something seemingly trivial.

So Christmas is about family, friends, the important people at life. It’s that time of the year when people stop living their busy lives and reconnect with what’s important.

But Christmas is lost for me.

I will spend a few weeks excitedly prepping for Christmas, thinking about all the happy things, and then a few weeks before Christmas I’m suddenly hit with a sombre mood.

Christmas is lonely.

Since losing my Mum, Christmas has lost its magic. Now that my family is fractured and fallen apart, Christmas is empty.

For the most part it’s me and my Dad, and whilst I try my hardest to appreciate the day and time with him, I can’t help but see a glimpse of the future. When my Dad is no longer here and its just me.

The magic of Christmas is the innocence or childhood and the love of family, and as you grow older Christmas really only maintains its magic with the love of family, when that’s no longer there, Christmas is lost.

So this Christmas, I will smile and laugh, I will give presents and have a marvellous meal. And I will spend precious time with my Dad.
But inside I will feel the loneliness engulfing the fleeting happiness.
And though I’m not religious, I will pray that the lonely people out there are not forgotten, that for even just one hour this Christmas, someone takes the time to show them compassion and love.

If you know someone who will be lonely this Christmas, please visit them, phone them, send them a letter, let them know they’re not completely alone.
And if you can do that at Christmas, maybe you can make your New Year’s resolution for 2015 to be to help that person feel less lonely the whole year through.

Does anyone really care?

Does anyone else ever feel like the only purpose they might have in life is to be used by other people?

I feel like when I’m not being forgotten about or treated like shit, I’m being used for what I can offer others.
That might be that I can drive, therefore if a friend wants to go shopping suddenly I’m the only person they want to know. Or a friend is very depressed and needs someone to talk too, then they won’t leave me alone, but as soon as their happy and ok again I don’t see them for dust.

But what about if I need something? What if I’m low and need a friend? What about if I need some support because my Dad’s ill? What about if I just wanted some company cos being alone sucks and maybe socialising with people and going shopping or something would be fun, where are these people then? Nowhere!!!

I spend my time feeling alone and miserable and depressed, drowning in my sorrow that life’s causing me, desperate to talk to someone and have a shoulder to lean on, find someone who might spare me 10 minutes of their time so I don’t feel so alone in the world and can stop internalising all my fears and emotions. To know that someones cares if I’m alive or dead, that my existence matters more and can’t just be filled be public transport or a counselor and that even if it could that someone cares about me and doesn’t care if I can’t offer them anything in return.

Do people actually do that? Do people care about people even if they have nothing of value to offer? Or are we all just out for what we can gain?

I feel like I’m drowning and I’m desperate for someone who can just help me, they don’t need to save me, just keep me afloat.