Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

Something important happened today… But no one cares!

I bumped into my Sister today. We haven’t spoken in almost 3 years and despite my previous attempts to reach out, nothing had come of it. But today I bumped into my Sister in the supermarket, I had expected her to blank me, as she has done in the past, but this time she didn’t.

She acknowledged me and Dad, approached my Dad first and then gingerly approached me. I’m not sure if she was approaching me because she wanted to or if she just felt obligated too cos she had my Dad?

We spoke awkwardly for just over half an hour. Catch up chit chat, the how are you, I’m good type of chat, filling in on what people have been up too, that kinda stuff. It was awkward, which is weird, because that’s my Sister, it shouldn’t be awkward, but we’ve not spoken or had any contact in 3 years, so of course it’s awkward.

All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and say how much I missed her. But I didn’t because I was worried that she didn’t want that, that she wanted to be polite in passing and not think about it anymore than that.
I was hoping to be able to talk this through with a friend. Just go over some of my feelings, my fears, my hopes. It seems silly for a brief encounter, but obviously I’m hoping it’ll lead to a more permanent reconciliation, and this means I have a lot going aorund in my head and my heart. I want to be able to talk about this but it seems my friends feel it’s pretty insignificant.

I’ve told 3 friends, 1 friend read the message and didn’t even bother to respond. Another friend, the friend who has self titled herself as my most reliable, bestest, always there for me friend, responded with ‘did she apologise?’ I said no that it wasn’t that kind of talk, her response was to say ‘oh well’ and moved the conversation onto telly. My other friend, the “best friend” who understands the emotional life stuff and is always there for everyone (but never me) ignored my text and then ignored my call.
I never call her unless it’s of importance, and yet 6 hours later I’ve still heard nothing back from her.

But when she calls me, I’m there in an instant, and when other people call her, she’s there for them, even when she’s been out with me, I’ve been put on the back burner so she can help this other friend. But if you asked her, she’d say she’s always there for me. She isn’t.
Why am I such a mug that I put up with being treated like crap? Why am I so insignificant to my friends?
Why don’t they understand that I’m feeling 1001 emotions right now and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. This is my fucking Sister, who I’ve been missing, crying over and heartbroken over being estranged from for the past 3 years and yet they can’t take five fucking minutes out of their lives to just chat?

I wish I could just cut them off and stop bothering. And yet I know, that I will be left to struggle alone and get through whatever I’m trying to deal with on my own and then soon they’ll need me, and I’ll be there for them, because I care about them and couldn’t bare the thought that I might leave them in a painful situation to deal alone. Because I know that if you’re a friend, and you care about someone, you support them through their tough times, not just the good times.

Thanks friends.

I really hope that today may have been the start of a reconciliation wiht my Sister. Because I miss her so much. I have dreamed about her constantly for 3 years, and I always dream that we’re talking again, either had a reconciliation or never fell out. I miss my Sister, I miss doing little things together, like wandering roud the shops, having lunch, working out, going for a walk, going for a drive, reminicising about being younger, our Mum. I just miss being Sisters and being friends. I had been so happy when I realised that we had gone from being Big Sister and Little Sisters to being actual Friends and that was one of the hardest things to lose.

Love is like the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it hurts.

Often hearing the truth can really hurt, but I would rather be hurt by the truth and not deceived by lies. In the end the truth always comes out and even though it hurts, it’s always worse if you then realise you’ve been lied to and deceived.

Don’t take me for a fool that will believe your lies and deception! Be a man and tell me the truth. I will get over the hurt but I will respect your honesty, lie to me and I will only think of you as a deceitful coward with no place in my life!

I hate that people will justify their lies as an act of kindness to protect your feelings. Why do they assume that you are too sensitive to accept the truth even if it’s not what you wanna hear?
I always try to be honest with people, even if I know they want me to be in agreement with their thoughts and hopes, I’d rather just be honest and supportive, in the long run I think this does less harm.
In relationships, be that with family, friends or lovers, I think it shows integrity. I respect these people in my life far more than those I know only want to appease me with what they think I want to hear.

It hurts when you realise that someone you trusted and respected has been deceiving you with their words. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. I feel like behind my back they’re laughing at me for being a fool and believing them! And now this relationship is ruined, and I’ve lost someone I really cared about, because now they feel like a stranger, a cruel shadow of the person I thought they were. It hurts.

And now my own deception will begin, because you have broken my heart, but I won’t allow you to see my pain.

[Edit: 20/8/14 – Just a tiny note to say, my instincts were correct on this person, found out they had been lying to me this whole time, and they still are, only that the other person involved has been honest with me. People!]

How people change…

I find it quite fascinating how people change based on who they are with. I know experiences can shape us and the past can play a role in who we become. But what I find the most fascinating is when people change based on who they are spending time with. Particularly when you notice a strong pattern!

One example is that with one of my friends I know, she claims I’m her best friend and she’d never ditch me for a man. I think she believes she’s never done it either because she says it with such conviction. And yet it’s couldn’t be further from the truth.

One small example is that when she’s lonely I can’t go more than a day without hearing from her and if I don’t reply, it’s the end of the world! But when there is a man on the scene, any man even if she’s not that interested, she will stop texting me, I could go days without hearing from her?!

The bigger example is that she dated her last boyfriend for about 10 months, we ended up socialising once maybe twice a month and only then was it because we were going to see his band. I spent that year building new friendships, having new experiences, yet now when she looks back at it she believes she saw me all the time?? She has a selective memory, that will even make shit up!!

So the pattern I’ve observed in this instance is that, she becomes a self absorbed asshole when a man is involved, not only becoming non existent in the friendship but more importantly becoming condescending and downright rude!!

For example last night I said I’d have to go home early as my dad was unwell and I didn’t want to leave him alone all night, to which she very rudely replied “go on then, I don’t need you, I don’t think I’m coming home with you anyway” I responded with “right then I’ll go home now, seeing as how I am actually needed there”, which then had her backtracking saying no I couldn’t leave her on her own yet, stay a few more hours.
Her attitude wasn’t needed, she knows damn well that my dad is very important to me, and that his health isn’t great, she also knows that I’m all he’s got… And I’m annoyed that I ended up staying out to be a good friend to her and she was just fucking rude!!!

The thing is this isn’t the first time, I’ve put up with her bullshit every time there’s been a bloke around, we’ve even had arguments due to her disrespectful attitude and I once came close to ending the friendship because I didn’t like the person she became when a man was in the picture.

Truth is, recent events are reminding me of all of this and I can’t help wonder if I will want to remain friends with her when she finally ends up in a settled long term relationship, because she becomes a horrible person after a week of a bloke.

I don’t understand how people change so dramatically! It makes me wonder if we ever really know people?

I’m losing…

I think I’m losing my best friend, she’s dating someone and now never has time for me, and I don’t begrudge her spending time with him at all, but she makes plans with me then cancels, saying she has no money or feels poorly but then sees him?!
She even cancelled on my birthday?!
My other friend says I should have it out with her, but I don’t wanna argue and I’m not sure it would change anything anyway.
She says if not I should let the friendship go, but how do you let go of your best friend, someone who pulled you through the worst period of your life, someone you pulled back from the brink of suicide? We’ve been through so much, I thought we understood each other and that we would never abandon each other like this? That friendship like ours is a gift and to make time for each other?
I guess not 😦

Friends…

I feel very let down by certain people at the moment, sometimes it’s not what you don’t do, it’s what you do do and then the lies I catch you telling that you think I’m too stupid to notice!

“Friendship is as delicate as glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks” ~ Waqas Ahmad

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it. ~ Belgicia Howell

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal. ~ Tennessee Williams

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.  ~ Joseph Baretti, quoted by James Boswell, 1766, commonly misattributed to Samuel Johnson