I’ve spent weeks, if not months falling apart, slowly at first until I reached a crashing crescendo.
I went months thinking I was happy, barely crying, plodding along with life. Then everything got crazy, all at once it all became unbearable.
It’s like one minute you’re juggling and the balls are paper and the next their boulders. You don’t know when it changed, because mere seconds ago that ball was paper and you handled it with ease and then suddenly it’s a boulder and you’ve lost your grip and now the others are going to fall and they’re going to destroy everything else and crush you.
I’m trying to work out what I want, what I need. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but one thing is for certain. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being used. I want, no, I NEED someone to help me. I need someone that can help ease that burden, someone that will put me fist once in a while. I need someone that cares about me and sees through my shit and my lies when I’m struggling and saying I’m fine. Someone that can tell me to stop and take care of myself before it all falls.
I’ll never have that, I know I won’t. I’m not lucky, I’m not blessed. I have myself and that’s all, and to be honest I would leave me too if I could.
So now everything’s gone to shit and the rest of the year will be more of me losing control. I need to rebuild now, but I have to fall further yet.
I have an overwhelming urge to tear everything down, beyond the foundations and rebuild. But this time I would take meticulous care of each brick, because those bricks represent such important parts of my life, not just my life, but myself. Those bricks represents my family, my friendships, they represent my physical health and my mental health. They represent my head, my heart and my soul. They represent my nature, my morals, my values.
I need to rebuild and find those things that are important, I need to cherish them.
I need to not let them get over taken by all the junk that I’ve accumulated in my life, all that crap I should’ve thrown away. I need to keep my foundation strong and my focus on my core, the things that are important. I need to learn to let go of things, I need to learn whats worth fighting for and what isn’t.
I need to learn when to support and encourage others, and when to tell them they’re wrong, but I need to stop fighting others battles for them.
I need to tear it down and start again. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of someone’s support and if not maybe I’ll be strong enough on my own?