Something important happened today… But no one cares!

I bumped into my Sister today. We haven’t spoken in almost 3 years and despite my previous attempts to reach out, nothing had come of it. But today I bumped into my Sister in the supermarket, I had expected her to blank me, as she has done in the past, but this time she didn’t.

She acknowledged me and Dad, approached my Dad first and then gingerly approached me. I’m not sure if she was approaching me because she wanted to or if she just felt obligated too cos she had my Dad?

We spoke awkwardly for just over half an hour. Catch up chit chat, the how are you, I’m good type of chat, filling in on what people have been up too, that kinda stuff. It was awkward, which is weird, because that’s my Sister, it shouldn’t be awkward, but we’ve not spoken or had any contact in 3 years, so of course it’s awkward.

All I wanted to do was throw my arms around her and say how much I missed her. But I didn’t because I was worried that she didn’t want that, that she wanted to be polite in passing and not think about it anymore than that.
I was hoping to be able to talk this through with a friend. Just go over some of my feelings, my fears, my hopes. It seems silly for a brief encounter, but obviously I’m hoping it’ll lead to a more permanent reconciliation, and this means I have a lot going aorund in my head and my heart. I want to be able to talk about this but it seems my friends feel it’s pretty insignificant.

I’ve told 3 friends, 1 friend read the message and didn’t even bother to respond. Another friend, the friend who has self titled herself as my most reliable, bestest, always there for me friend, responded with ‘did she apologise?’ I said no that it wasn’t that kind of talk, her response was to say ‘oh well’ and moved the conversation onto telly. My other friend, the “best friend” who understands the emotional life stuff and is always there for everyone (but never me) ignored my text and then ignored my call.
I never call her unless it’s of importance, and yet 6 hours later I’ve still heard nothing back from her.

But when she calls me, I’m there in an instant, and when other people call her, she’s there for them, even when she’s been out with me, I’ve been put on the back burner so she can help this other friend. But if you asked her, she’d say she’s always there for me. She isn’t.
Why am I such a mug that I put up with being treated like crap? Why am I so insignificant to my friends?
Why don’t they understand that I’m feeling 1001 emotions right now and I’d just love to talk to someone about it. This is my fucking Sister, who I’ve been missing, crying over and heartbroken over being estranged from for the past 3 years and yet they can’t take five fucking minutes out of their lives to just chat?

I wish I could just cut them off and stop bothering. And yet I know, that I will be left to struggle alone and get through whatever I’m trying to deal with on my own and then soon they’ll need me, and I’ll be there for them, because I care about them and couldn’t bare the thought that I might leave them in a painful situation to deal alone. Because I know that if you’re a friend, and you care about someone, you support them through their tough times, not just the good times.

Thanks friends.

I really hope that today may have been the start of a reconciliation wiht my Sister. Because I miss her so much. I have dreamed about her constantly for 3 years, and I always dream that we’re talking again, either had a reconciliation or never fell out. I miss my Sister, I miss doing little things together, like wandering roud the shops, having lunch, working out, going for a walk, going for a drive, reminicising about being younger, our Mum. I just miss being Sisters and being friends. I had been so happy when I realised that we had gone from being Big Sister and Little Sisters to being actual Friends and that was one of the hardest things to lose.

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Love is like the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it hurts.

Often hearing the truth can really hurt, but I would rather be hurt by the truth and not deceived by lies. In the end the truth always comes out and even though it hurts, it’s always worse if you then realise you’ve been lied to and deceived.

Don’t take me for a fool that will believe your lies and deception! Be a man and tell me the truth. I will get over the hurt but I will respect your honesty, lie to me and I will only think of you as a deceitful coward with no place in my life!

I hate that people will justify their lies as an act of kindness to protect your feelings. Why do they assume that you are too sensitive to accept the truth even if it’s not what you wanna hear?
I always try to be honest with people, even if I know they want me to be in agreement with their thoughts and hopes, I’d rather just be honest and supportive, in the long run I think this does less harm.
In relationships, be that with family, friends or lovers, I think it shows integrity. I respect these people in my life far more than those I know only want to appease me with what they think I want to hear.

It hurts when you realise that someone you trusted and respected has been deceiving you with their words. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. I feel like behind my back they’re laughing at me for being a fool and believing them! And now this relationship is ruined, and I’ve lost someone I really cared about, because now they feel like a stranger, a cruel shadow of the person I thought they were. It hurts.

And now my own deception will begin, because you have broken my heart, but I won’t allow you to see my pain.

[Edit: 20/8/14 – Just a tiny note to say, my instincts were correct on this person, found out they had been lying to me this whole time, and they still are, only that the other person involved has been honest with me. People!]

Trying to focus on positivity…

After the weekend’s various antics I’m trying to handle the consequences differently, try to let things get to me less, try to be more positive.

I thought maybe I was gonna pull it off too, but today has been difficult and the more the day ticks on the more depressed I seem to get, I can feel tears stinging the back of my eyes waiting to escape, I have a horrid sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I’m starting to realise that certain “friends” really aren’t what they appeared and I think the friendship may be over, or will be over very soon. My emotions are mixed about it, on the one hand I liked them, and I’d be sad to see the friendships end, but on the other, I’ve been left wondering if I’ve ever really known them, they appear to be something different to everyone and I can’t help think I just might be better off without people like that in my life.

The other matter is that my heart is most definitely breaking, people seem to think it shouldn’t be, like I should just be going ‘he’s not interested, I’m gonna move on’, really I’ve been trying to do that, but I’m struggling to ignore the fact that I really cared about, he’s a friend, I’ve known him for years, and in that time I’ve come to really care about him, and I can’t even say oh he’s an arsehole, a liar, a cheat, whatever because he’s not, he’s a genuinely lovely bloke, he’s just not interested. So I’ve got to cope with my pride/ego being bruised, being slightly humiliated and embarrassed, and with my heart being ever so slightly broken because I really liked him, and also my hopes completely dashed, and now what is there to be hopeful for?
But my friends think that I should just be moving on, with absolutely no time to lick my wounds and be horribly disappointed, and the reason why is because they bounce from guy to guy, when one doesn’t work out they move on to another. The fact that I’ve only ever been in serious relationships in the past 10 years should point out to them that I am not like that. I don’t mess around, it’s not who I am and when I like someone, you can be sure that I’ve given it more than mere hours thought, I’ve thought long and hard and I’ve weighed the pros and cons, I’ve analyzed the person I like, and then I’ve tried to talk myself out of it, and then if I still like someone, that’s when I say yeah I really like that person!

So why can’t they just let me be abit heartbroken, after all, they’ve caused it! It’s doing wonders for my depression and anxiety.