Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

Anxiety Hell

Tonight I feel like crap 😦

It’s 3:30am and I’m so tired, my eyes are stinging, my muscles are weak from exhaustion and all I wanna do is lay down, close my eyes and have a somewhat decent 8 hours sleep.

Instead I’m anxious as hell and fighting to not descend into full blown panic attacks 😦

My mind is racing, and everytime I close to my eyes, I see my dads war game, call of duty, he was playing earlier in the day 😦 I dunno why? I was watching it a bit, and I wasn’t feeling great earlier either. And when I was younger I suffered seizures briefly that doctors couldn’t find any reason for and could only put it down to video games I was playing.

Maybe this is playing on my mind?