Bullying

Bullying is still bullying even if you think the person you’re being vile about doesn’t know.
Bullying is still bullying when you think you’ve been discreet but the person of your attack has 100% proof that it’s directed at them.
Do not sit there and throw shifty looks afraid to be caught out and then laugh wildly outloud thinking you’re getting away with being a nasty cunt.
Stop wasting your time talking about me, stop contradicting yourself, don’t ask other people if you’ve done something wrong, asking if I’m ok.
If you’re gonna say something, you better be bloody ready to own the Shit that pours from your mouth. And the damage it does.

How can people utter words that can cause so much harm when they don’t know a person and they don’t know their struggles.
They have no ideas how far back those words have set me. I feel like I’m 11 years old again, starting high school, being bullied, and losing years of my life.
It’s Monday tomorrow and I don’t want to go into work, and that’s exactly how I used to feel every Sunday before school. Until eventually I would fear going in so much I would be sat on the stairs bawling my eyes out suffering panic attack after panic attack.
It was almost easier back then though, the help needed was different and was easier to get.
but now I have bills to pay, I have a house and car to keep, help is harder to get, my health is poor, my home support system is gone. I cannot crumble the way I did before because there’s too many things I’m responsible for.
I was carrying enough weight I didn’t need to add this, and now I feel like I’m being physically crushed.
I’m depressed, and no matter how angry I get with myself it’s not subsiding, it has firm hold. I feel the anxiety clawing at me, and I’m battling to keep it at bay, shaking the thoughts away, distractions and motivation and yet it’s clawing nearer and nearer.
I feel defeat, and I hate myself, because I said I’d never fall again and yet one conversation, from people who had no clue, has reduced me to this again.
Because their words bolster some of my own insecurities and doubts, because those words made me worthless, ashamed, disgusted, because they made me angry and I had to bottle it up.

I want to hurt myself, I want to give up, I want to curl up in a ball and never move, I want to take my daily pills and just keep taking them. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow, not because I’m lazy, because I can bare facing those vile bullies, because I think I’ll cry and if I don’t cry, I think I’ll hurt them, not with words with physical violence. because that’s how my emotions play out now, I can angry and I lash out or I cry and scream.

Too many years bottling things up inside, too many years feeling trapped and lost and broken, too many years isolated from people to keep myself safe and now look.

I’ve locked myself in my bedroom, I’m comfort eating, I have tears in my eyes and that choking feeling in my throat, but I’m fighting to hold them back because I don’t want to cry over those words.

I don’t want my every thought to be focused on them, and yet it is.

Just help me, someone tell me how I get those words out of my head, those laughs out of my head, how I pick myself up, how I don’t quit I job I really fucking need. How do I continue on as normal? How? Because I’m beat.

I shouldnt be going through this all again at almost thirty. I give up I give up I give up…

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Conflicted

I don’t know how I can hate being here so much and want to be gone and yet want to live and experience everything wonderful. It’s like there are two sides to me and I’m being ripped part.

I just need to get away from myself, in the problem, Times like this I really wish I’d never been born. I wish I had someone to turn to help me through this. Instead I’m sat in an empty room thinking of awful things to do to myself, but if I don’t move I can’t do anything stupid, so I just have to not move.

Cry for help!

I don’t know how much longer I can handle this…
I’m in a really bad place today, I cant get awful awful thoughts out of my head… I’m so afraid, I feel like they’ll drive me insane.
I just want someone to take me away from the loneliness where these thoughts thrive, but when I’m drowning in fear where are my “friends”, they couldnt care less about me. They’ll leave me to die scared and alone. Someone save me, please