Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

I can’t take it anymore

I asked a friend for help tonight, all I wanted was a chat for ten minutes, because I was feeling so ill, I needed some distraction, and I was ignored.

Then I put a general message of help out and again I was ignored by everyone.

There’s no one in my life who cares, even when I drop everything for them, no complaints, no questions. If my friends, family, people I care about need me, I’m there, I’ll do whatever I can. But no one will do it for me?

Why am I here? Is this my life, struggle through depression and anxiety everyday supporting everyone else, and be left drowning in loneliness ?

I can’t take it anymore, I wish I didn’t want to be here, I wish I didn’t care anymore 😦

Don’t Leave Me… Please!

My Dad was diagnosed with COPD about 7 years ago, he was prescribed various inhalers that would help keep the condition under control. However unless I nag him he won’t take them.
He went to the doctors today and they want him to go for a chest xray as they think his chest is getting worse and that the inhalers aren’t working.

I’m so angry with him, because the inhalers would probably have worked fine, if he could’ve just cared enough to take them everyday, heck even just ever other day! I put them right next to the kettle with a laminated A4 page that said what to take, how much and when! He must go to that kettle a good 15 times a day for a tea and yet he never takes those inhalers!

I don’t wanna lose my Dad, I love him so much. I don’t wanna not be able to do the stuff we still want to do. I don’t want him to not be here if I ever get married. I don’t want his grandchildren to not get another good 10-20 years with him.

I can’t cope if I lose him, he’s my rock. He’s the light in a dark world. The voice that keeps me sane and grounded. I don’t wanna lose him. I can’t! I already lost my Mum, I can’t lose my Dad too.

Same Ol’ Same Ol’

It may be a New Year, and I may have briefly let myself believe that change could be on the cards. But I’ve started the New Year with an awful chest infection, so I’m not eating, let alone eating healthy, I’m not exercising and I’m going to miss the first week back at work!

And more annoyingly I’ve started my New Year with anxiety and depression.

I didn’t have high expectations for this year, but I really wish I could’ve started it off without being ill.

I really hope this chest infection passes soon, I don’t seem to be getting better despite the meds 😦 I just hope it doesn’t become anything worse, because I would like to have a crack at being a healthier happier person.

I hope that 2014 has started so much better for everyone else and that you’re year will hold lovely things!