It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

No Strength

Today has been tough, I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, the unrequited love I’m torturing myself with or once again being lied to by a friend. It’s been a ridiculously emotional day, I’ve burst into tears many times for no apparent reason, and I’ve felt like I’m going slightly crazy, I was writing in my journal earlier about how I felt, I’ve decided to post it and see if it helps lift the weight, sometimes writing it down helps, and sometimes it’s saying it out loud, but when that’s too hard maybe just writing and putting it out into the world is the second best thing? who knows…

I appear to be this strong person who copes with whatever life throws at me… truth is I’m a wreck, I never cope with anything I simply avoid the negative emotions that these events induce and I spend every day gripped my silent fear, I feel like I’m going insane, I often feel that at any moment I could crack, that I’m teetering on the edge and any second I’m about to lose my balance and lose myself to the chaos of my mind. Yet I never seem to, because I do what I’m good at and I push it as far out of my conscious thought as possible, I fill my mind and being with trivial matters and past times, all the while a voice in the back of my mind telling me that soon this won’t work, soon I will crack and I will crumble… and then what will people think… what will become of me then… how will my family and friends cope… who will try to heal me… who will care?

I’m not strong, I’m weak, I’m a shadow of whoever I once was and with everyday that passes I lose a little more of myself. One day there will be nothing left to show, just a shell of a person who was once here. I wonder if it would be different if I had somewhere to turn, if there was a soul in the world who cared, someone who cared enough to say I’m here, I will try to understand and I will help you be strong when you are weak.

I feel like I’m breaking down, I want to cry all the time, sometimes I can’t stop the tears flowing, sometimes my thoughts hurt so much I have to hold my head, and double over as though the thoughts are causing me physical pain, and even though they aren’t, it still somehow feels like they are. Sometimes I explode with rage, and that rage is often directed towards myself, pulling hair, scratching, biting, punching, kicking objects, punching walls. Sometimes I sit numbly wishing my life away, hating myself for the thoughts and wishes and yet still doing it.
I know people say that if your questioning your sanity then you’re actually of sound mind, but is it not possible I’m just aware that it’s slipping out of my grasp?
And then just like that, after crying and feeling like I’m on the brink of madness, it’s gone and I feel, well nothing?! Not happy, not sad, nothing!

I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I have to keep fighting… somehow.