It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

Job or no Job?

Going for a meeting in work to see if I still have a job or not :/
I feel sick! I barely slept last night cos I kept playing this out in my mind!

I’m still really ill, got a bad chest infection still, doctors told me to stay home and get plenty of rest, but I’ve got to go into work for a stressful meeting which will either result in losing my job, and then I can panic about everything, or I will keep my job (hopefully) but then I will have to stay at work.

Ah yes I have an horrible upset stomach from being on so much antibiotics so I’m really looking forward to being in a public place 😦 oh and the coughing fits where I end up throwing up!! Yes the next few hours will be a joy!

EDIT: The answer was no job.