Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

Love is like the truth, sometimes it prevails, sometimes it hurts.

Often hearing the truth can really hurt, but I would rather be hurt by the truth and not deceived by lies. In the end the truth always comes out and even though it hurts, it’s always worse if you then realise you’ve been lied to and deceived.

Don’t take me for a fool that will believe your lies and deception! Be a man and tell me the truth. I will get over the hurt but I will respect your honesty, lie to me and I will only think of you as a deceitful coward with no place in my life!

I hate that people will justify their lies as an act of kindness to protect your feelings. Why do they assume that you are too sensitive to accept the truth even if it’s not what you wanna hear?
I always try to be honest with people, even if I know they want me to be in agreement with their thoughts and hopes, I’d rather just be honest and supportive, in the long run I think this does less harm.
In relationships, be that with family, friends or lovers, I think it shows integrity. I respect these people in my life far more than those I know only want to appease me with what they think I want to hear.

It hurts when you realise that someone you trusted and respected has been deceiving you with their words. I feel let down. I feel like an idiot. I feel like behind my back they’re laughing at me for being a fool and believing them! And now this relationship is ruined, and I’ve lost someone I really cared about, because now they feel like a stranger, a cruel shadow of the person I thought they were. It hurts.

And now my own deception will begin, because you have broken my heart, but I won’t allow you to see my pain.

[Edit: 20/8/14 – Just a tiny note to say, my instincts were correct on this person, found out they had been lying to me this whole time, and they still are, only that the other person involved has been honest with me. People!]

Friends…

I feel very let down by certain people at the moment, sometimes it’s not what you don’t do, it’s what you do do and then the lies I catch you telling that you think I’m too stupid to notice!

“Friendship is as delicate as glass, once broken it can be fixed but there will always be cracks” ~ Waqas Ahmad

Never explain yourself. Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it. ~ Belgicia Howell

We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal. ~ Tennessee Williams

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.  ~ Joseph Baretti, quoted by James Boswell, 1766, commonly misattributed to Samuel Johnson