Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

selfish
[sel-fish]

adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

A ‘friend’ of mine wrote about depression, about how sufferers need support, understanding, to not be abandoned or given up on. I know that the irony of her words would be lost on her.
That she has, only yesterday and many times before, abandoned someone who is suffering from depression and needed support. The same someone who no matter what, stopped what they were doing and pulled themselves together, to support her, who never left her abandoned, always tried to understand, and would never give up on her, even when they had given up on themselves!

In the time I’ve known her, I’ve never not once been by her side when she needed. The times she cried for help, however loud or silent, I was physically by her side. The times her depression almost won, I helped pick her back up, I wouldn’t leave her alone or give up on her. The times something was wrong and even she didn’t know what or why, when she just needed a friend to help her understand or to listen. Never once have I ignored a call or message. Yet I have spent months alone, begging the universe to send me someone who will understand and support me, to just have someone say, “Hey friend, don’t worry, I’m here”.

The last time I cried out for help, I was feeling suicidal, I wanted to end it, I sent out a message begging for support, just someone to talk me through it until the thoughts passed, thankfully they always pass. I had no response. A week later I saw this friend, the friend who wrote about depression, who I’ve always supported, She said to me “sorry I didn’t reply to your message, but I’m not going to pander to that sort of thing anymore” she mentioned something about defeating depression by ignoring it. Less than a week later I received a message begging me to help her… for a split second I thought about ignoring her, not pandering to her, but I was always half way out the door to help her.

I wondered to myself, would she remember what she said, “I’m not going to pander to that”, if one day I asked for help and she while she ignored it, I succeeded with ending it all? 
Would she think that she had done the right thing not “pandering” to my cry for help. Would she recognise that she had abandoned me, had forgotten to understand and support and had left me feeling like everyone had given up on me? Of course she wouldn’t.

I’ll just continue fighting it on my own, pretending that I’m fine, maybe one day someone will see the pain behind my smile.

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.”
Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”
Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
David Foster Wallace

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
Sally Brampton

“And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.”
Nina LaCour, Hold Still

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.”
Jeannette Walls

But to a person suffering clinical depression/bipolar could that not seem like a terminal illness?

Does that mean that all the years they spent fighting to stay, all the times they sought help are now forgotten because they’re now defined forever by that one action of succeeding in taking their life?

Foreboding sense of dread

I’ve had a complete crash. Last night a few little things just tipped me over the edge, and now my head is all panic and bad thoughts constantly. I want to break down and cry, but I think if I do, they’ll be no coming back from it.

And there’s absolutely no one to turn too, I can’t turn to my Dad, I can’t burden him with this, I can’t turn to my best friend, cos she can’t handle it, I have to be strong for her, and I can’t turn to my other friend cos she doesn’t understand, it’s just pull yourself together and get on with it.
And everyone else is non existent, sometimes I wonder why I’m so desperate to stay here if I’m already so alone?

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I’m the fool

I feel like life is playing a huge April fools trick on me today.

I woke up feeling like shit, that led to being panicky, and also stress cos I knew I was gonna struggle with work. On the way into work I felt very panicky so my driving reactions were a little slow and it took me a couple seconds longer to pull away at the red light than normal, this happens to people all the time, just glance in the opposite direction long enough that you don’t notice it changed. Well the prick on the push bike behind me decided to have a go at me, he could’ve very easily just cycled past me, I wasn’t blocking his way, but no he had to swear at me and have a go. And that’s my problem what right does this complete stranger have to have a go at me because I was abit distracted, what business is it of his, I wasn’t stopping him going about his life? I wasn’t causing him harm, so why did he cause me harm? Maybe it’s my fault that I’m such a fucked up person thanks to panic attacks, a “normal” person wouldn’t be affected by it really.
And yet here I am unable to pull myself together after the burst of rage/panic attack/hysterical break down of crying he reduced me too.

I didn’t used to be this weak…
I didn’t used to be this way…

I used to be different…

A few years ago I was happier, I had hope, I had friends, a social life, I was close to my family. I remember the point when I noticed it was all changing.

It was August 2010 and I was sat in a sunny field with one of my best friends, at a big uk festival, I had my sunglasses on, surrounded by thousands of people. The week before my doctor had prescribed me anti depressants, I didn’t think I was depressed, I had told the doctors my symptoms, and filled out a form, and the conclusion was I was depressed, but I didn’t take the tablets because I thought he was wrong.
But as I sat there, at what later should’ve been one of the happiest memories in my life, I realised that beneath my sunglasses I was crying, not because I was happy, but because I felt numb to happiness. I could see everyone around me having the time of their life, and I was enjoying the festival, 4 out of 6 of my favourite bands were there, on of my best friends was there, the sun was beating down on me and I knew I should’ve used sunscreen, and yet I wasn’t happy.
I sat there thinking “is this it? these moments we look forward to, is that all life is? looking forwards to moments cos you hope/believe they might be the thing that makes you happy and this might be the thing that you find life worth living for, and ultimately being left disappointed because you’re now so broken you no longer feel happiness?” 

I don’t think I’ve been happy since… I thought I was happy pre August 2010, but not pre June 2008, maybe for a brief moment between June 2008 – August 2010 I found a way to be happy.
I socialised every weekend, I had a three best friends, and a few groups of other friends, I was close to my sister, my brother and his girlfriend. I went on days outs, dinner with the family, dinner with friends, I enjoyed my job, I went to the gym, I worked out in various ways, I was fairly happy with my weight and how I looked. Most importantly my panic attacks seemed all but gone. My health was okish, I still had a low immune system, but in comparison to now, my health was fantastic! I was happy, active, I was living.

I’m not sure how depression seeped in, or exactly when, I just remember that moment I realised that I was, in fact, severely depressed, hiding behind my sunglasses crying.

Everyday since then, I’ve wondered “how do I find that girl again?”, how did I ever find her?
I became that happy person despite losing my mum in 2006, despite becoming estranged with one of my best friends because she didn’t know how to cope with me losing my mum, despite the first man I ever loved and had been in a relationship with for four years cheating on me and breaking my heart and still wanting me to be his best friend! Despite the adversity I had gone/was going through, I still managed to fight my way through and find happiness. How did I lose it?

How do I find it again?….

Anxiety Hell

Tonight I feel like crap 😦

It’s 3:30am and I’m so tired, my eyes are stinging, my muscles are weak from exhaustion and all I wanna do is lay down, close my eyes and have a somewhat decent 8 hours sleep.

Instead I’m anxious as hell and fighting to not descend into full blown panic attacks 😦

My mind is racing, and everytime I close to my eyes, I see my dads war game, call of duty, he was playing earlier in the day 😦 I dunno why? I was watching it a bit, and I wasn’t feeling great earlier either. And when I was younger I suffered seizures briefly that doctors couldn’t find any reason for and could only put it down to video games I was playing.

Maybe this is playing on my mind?