How do I rebuild?

I’ve spent weeks, if not months falling apart, slowly at first until I reached a crashing crescendo.

I went months thinking I was happy, barely crying, plodding along with life. Then everything got crazy, all at once it all became unbearable.

It’s like one minute you’re juggling and the balls are paper and the next their boulders. You don’t know when it changed, because mere seconds ago that ball was paper and you handled it with ease and then suddenly it’s a boulder and you’ve lost your grip and now the others are going to fall and they’re going to destroy everything else and crush you.

I’m trying to work out what I want, what I need. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but one thing is for certain. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being used. I want, no, I NEED someone to help me. I need someone that can help ease that burden, someone that will put me fist once in a while. I need someone that cares about me and sees through my shit and my lies when I’m struggling and saying I’m fine. Someone that can tell me to stop and take care of myself before it all falls.

I’ll never have that, I know I won’t. I’m not lucky, I’m not blessed. I have myself and that’s all, and to be honest I would leave me too if I could.

So now everything’s gone to shit and the rest of the year will be more of me losing control. I need to rebuild now, but I have to fall further yet.

I have an overwhelming urge to tear everything down, beyond the foundations and rebuild. But this time I would take meticulous care of each brick, because those bricks represent such important parts of my life, not just my life, but myself. Those bricks represents my family, my friendships, they represent my physical health and my mental health. They represent my head, my heart and my soul. They represent my nature, my morals, my values.
I need to rebuild and find those things that are important, I need to cherish them.
I need to not let them get over taken by all the junk that I’ve accumulated in my life, all that crap I should’ve thrown away. I need to keep my foundation strong and my focus on my core, the things that are important. I need to learn to let go of things, I need to learn whats worth fighting for and what isn’t.
I need to learn when to support and encourage others, and when to tell them they’re wrong, but I need to stop fighting others battles for them.

I need to tear it down and start again. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of someone’s support and if not maybe I’ll be strong enough on my own?

It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

friends?…

I feel so low, I feel like I have no one and no where to turn to.
Once again last night it was evident that to my “friends” I’m just a convenience, I drive and I’m always free, therefore I’m always available to take them somewhere on a night out free of charge!

The evidence to support this fact, is countless nights where it’s been exactly this case, countless times of hearing oh no I can’t go to that as who would drive me?!, countless remarks about me being the driver, countless times of being forgotten about on those nights out, their backs turned to me, fairly positive that I could just leave and they wouldn’t notice til the end of the night when they needed a lift home! countless times of being left out when a lift isn’t required, why would they think to invite me when they don’t need someone to drive?! or someone to go with?!

And why do these “friends” feel the need to belittle me so often?! and if I have anything good, they belittle that too, even if originally before I got it, they wanted it and thought it was awesome, why have they got to put me down so much and make me feel so low about myself?!

I’m just a means to an end with my “friends”. I didn’t think my life used to be like this, maybe I’m wrong now, maybe I was always just useful to people, maybe all people have ever done is use me…. maybe that’s all people to do each other full stop!

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore… will anyone ever really care about me? put me before themselves? want to spend time with me because I make them smile and I make their day a little brighter? or will I always just be the back up…

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