I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling insignificant.
I wish I could begin to explain how I feel and how I think, maybe then people would understand me and my fears and not just think I’m ridiculous.
Emotions are my weakness, I cannot handle negative emotion, when those feelings start scratching away inside I feel like they are literally trying to tear me apart. And so I try my hardest to avoid any situations that might result in these feelings. I made the mistake in the past of not avoiding those situations and it left me shattered, I honestly don’t know how I survive it, a fluke I think, maybe it was sheer utter determination to not fail, I hate to fail, but I’ve felt weak ever since, I’ve never got back the strength it took to over come it all.
I was coping, I had my bad days, but I had my good days too. When the bad thoughts crept in, I had a beautiful distraction that would lift me back up. It was never a realistic distraction, it didn’t need to be, it was just a representation of hope and what could be, maybe one day I would find happiness, but while I was looking I had something to keep me going, keep me sane and fighting.
Now that’s gone, and I’m left with all the bad again, now there is no happiness to pull me through, how will I cope now?
My friends say it’s fine, shrug it off, get over it, move on, you’ll find something else. They say it like it’s easy for me, and it highlights to me how little they know me.
You see they’ve only known me a few years, they didn’t know the little girl in primary school was was bullied for being polite, quiet and smart, they didn’t know the little girl bullied by her brother in law and made to feel like the ugliest person in the world, they didn’t know the awkward teenager who was bullied in high school for being different, because I wasn’t girly, because I didn’t feel pretty enough to be girly, they didn’t know the girl who cried everyday at the thought of facing the bullies, who eventually couldn’t handle facing anyone through fear of being bullied by others.
They didn’t see how I slowly watched my life and childhood slip through my fingers as each day I slipped deeper into depression and let the anxiety take over my life. I became a recluse, rarely leaving my bedroom, unable to step out of my house without having a panic attack, unable to walk down the road, unable to jump in the car to anywhere. I became caged in, quite literally, by my fears and insecurities. My friends abandoned me, my older sister abandoned me, my older brother told me to pull myself together, my parents struggled with my anxiety and depression, they struggled to be good parents to me, trying to help me overcome the depression and anxiety, struggled to get me the education I needed.
For four years I existed in what felt like solitude. I wanted to die, I never attempted suicide, because I loved my parents, it killed me to see what I was doing to them, I could never have put them through the pain of me taking my own life, so I struggled on.
Somehow I managed to find the strength to build a life, I started small, stepping out of my front door to put the rubbish out, no one should ever find that terrifying, eventually I built on that and I was able to walk down the road, to go to the supermarket, never alone, always with my parents. I still hated being around people I feared would bully me, I was weary of everyone, if I saw someone whisper or laugh, I assumed it was about me, I still do!
I managed to attend an adult college to get the education I had missed in high school. I found a part time job, I met a boy, he seemed different from all the other people I had been unfortunate to encounter, he wasn’t. I spent almost five years being in love with this boy, he said he loved me, he simultaneously built me up and tore me down, and I let him, because he had shown me more kindness and love than anyone had ever shown me, and because I believed deep down he was a good person.
Then the worst thing in the world happened, I lost my mum, she passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, she was my best friend, my world and she was gone. I thought I was going to die, the pain I felt was unbearable.
Once again the friends I had made abandoned me, he didn’t, he supported me as best he could, unfortunately we still fought, but I thought I had finally found a good person. Then I realised he was cheating on me, it reminded me of how bad I had once felt about myself, I was worthless again. I had been stupid to think he could’ve really cared for me. Apparently I hadn’t been through enough and I found out my dad COPD, lung disease, suddenly I was aware of how easily I could lose him too. One day I sat in my bedroom, taking a full packet of painkillers, drinking a bottle of whiskey, I have a dodgy stomach though, very acidy, I’m sick a lot , it doesn’t handle alcohol well, within twenty minutes I was throwing up, I was ill for days, my depression spiralled further, I began counselling for the death of my mum. On a few occasions I cut myself, I drank and drove, I would drive fast and recklessly, I had no concern for my safety, I once sped down a road that I knew had a sharp corner at the end, I could see the wall that curved with the 90 degree corner, I drove faster, at the last minute I turned, I don’t know why, I still don’t know how I even made the turn, I wanted to die… I was just too weak to take my own life, I could never quite pull it off.
Eventually I started blocking it all out, I didn’t think about my mum, I let him go, I kept a distance from friends, trusting only a select few, I started telling people I was ok, I socialised, people always believe it when you tell them your ok, because that’s what they wanna hear, no one really wants to hear your problems, so it was easy to fool people, and if you fool other people long enough, eventually you start to fool yourself.
I seemed to be living a normal life, less anxiety, less depression, socialising, I only ever crumbled when I was alone, it seemed to be the easiest way. I carried on that way for a few years, and then my health declined, and the depression and anxiety raised their ugly heads. It got harder again. Friends I once trusted let me down, my sister once again let me down, and I ended up here again!
Now I have a friend, who cannot understand why I think or feel the way I do, and just thinks I should simply move on, but you see I never really move on from anything, I take it and bury it in deep inside and when something goes wrong everything I ever buried comes back to haunt me.
Life experiences form part of the person you are and your personality, I’ve had so much more negatives things happen that I can’t help but feel like I’ll only ever have negatives. I’ve had 26 years of negativity, I have no evidence to suggest it would be wise to suddenly start thinking otherwise, I’m not going to change who I am overnight, and maybe I don’t want to? When my guard is up and I am expecting the worse, I rarely get hurt, but when my guard is lowered and I let hope in, I get hurt, every. single. time!