Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

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I’ve been feeling like depression is waiting just at the edges of my life, clawing at me, trying to consume me again. Today it’s succeeding.

At night I let it in, in my dreams, and now it’s in my waking hours! and I want to hurt myself. There is a broken in the spare room and all I can think of is dragging my wrists over the broken edges. I know this isn’t a healthy thing to be thinking and yet I can’t stop.

And I’m crying out help to me, but it’s falling on deaf ears. Once again I’m left completely alone to fight my demons.
Someone please rescue me from here, please

Life is too short…

In life things will happen that effect you on some level, and sometimes things effect you that you would never have expected and they can effect you on a much deeper level than you could ever have expected.

Today was one of those days. Hearing about someone’s passing can come as a shock, whether you knew them well, knew them briefly or sometimes not even at all, often in the case of celebrity, very few people will have had the chance to meet them and so it can be confusing when you are rocked by their passing.

But you invite these people into your lives, whether it be through connecting with the characters they play or the music they create, you end up making a bond, and just because you never met them, doesn’t mean that your feelings can be diminished. This isn’t my point though, so moving on.

When people die young I feel a huge sense of sadness at the time they’ve lost, the moments they’ve been robbed of, of the memories they’re loved ones who survive them haven’t the chance to experience. Weddings, Birthdays, Children, Dreams.

I feel a huge sense of sadness at any loss, I’ve suffered loss, so I find it so easy to put myself in the place of those who are left to grieve. The ones who have to come to terms with their loved one no longer being here. Trying to find a way to live life again, and not be consumed by the pain and the black hole left inside from the loss.

I remember the initial shock and realisation, my worst fear was transpiring.
I remember feeling guilt, was there something I could’ve done? should’ve done?

I remember being in denial, she wasn’t gone, this couldn’t be happening.
I remember feeling anger, at the doctors who failed her, at the world, at anyone who dared tell me they understood and time was a great healer.
I remember the numbness, the exhaustion from crying, the sleepless nights, the waking up crying, the dreams she constantly appeared in.

It’s something that we all go through at some point in our lives, we just all hope that we’ll be much older when we do, because we find it such a comfort to say that someone had lived a full and accomplished life.
Unfortunately life doesn’t work like this, and more often than not we are faced with the shock of losing some suddenly and too young.

Sometimes its because of a disease, and we are left bewildered at life,

Sometimes there is no other reason than the frailty of the human body,

Sometimes its an awful accident, and Sometimes it is our own self destruction.
We are always reminded of how short life is, and how powerless we are to the inevitability of death.

When someones passing is due to their own self destruction, I can never seem to wrap my thoughts around how?
How does someone reach such a dark place in their life that they either slowly kill themselves or take their own life?

I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for more than a decade of my life. And even though there have been times when I’ve wish I was no longer here, ultimately I have always found something that kept me fighting. My Mum (Rest her soul), My Dad, My family, My friends.
Maybe my loss wouldn’t effect them, Maybe my Dad would cope just fine without me, but if there’s even a 1% chance that I would cause them any heartache or discomfort, I couldn’t willingly destroy my own life. Because I couldn’t destroy them, I love them far too much. So if I have to suffer on in life to ensure they’re safe and happy, that’s the burden I have to carry.

So maybe I understand those who have no one, if I had no one, I wouldn’t be here, there would be no reason to fight. But how do those that do have loved ones destroy themselves, and ultimately their loved ones?

How do they get so low? How does the darkness consume them so much that all they can think about is the relief of a substance or a way out?
How does darkness overcome love?!

They may want with all their heart to be strong and find their way to the light for the person they love, who loves them in return, and yet they can’t, because the darkness is stronger.

What is this darkness that consumes and destroys, where does it come from, and if Love can’t beat it, can anything?!

Is there something more we can/should do for people who find themselves so alone and hopeless?

I can’t help but look at people, complete strangers in the street, and wonder what are they thinking, are they happy? are they struggling?

I’ve always hated that I’m a compassionate person, because it means I get attached easily and I want to help, I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But in doing so, you open yourself up to emotions and getting hurt.

How many times have we walked past someone who needed help.
Who just needed someone to show them compassion, or someone who was so lost in the world, that they were not long for it?
I know that it’s different for everyone, every lost person has a different story, and we’ll never know what they feel inside.

I guess all the love in the world can’t erase the fact that no matter how much we fight it, no matter how many people surround us, we are all alone, in our heads and our emotions.
Maybe that’s the darkness…