It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

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I’ve been feeling like depression is waiting just at the edges of my life, clawing at me, trying to consume me again. Today it’s succeeding.

At night I let it in, in my dreams, and now it’s in my waking hours! and I want to hurt myself. There is a broken in the spare room and all I can think of is dragging my wrists over the broken edges. I know this isn’t a healthy thing to be thinking and yet I can’t stop.

And I’m crying out help to me, but it’s falling on deaf ears. Once again I’m left completely alone to fight my demons.
Someone please rescue me from here, please

Anxiety Hell

Tonight I feel like crap 😦

It’s 3:30am and I’m so tired, my eyes are stinging, my muscles are weak from exhaustion and all I wanna do is lay down, close my eyes and have a somewhat decent 8 hours sleep.

Instead I’m anxious as hell and fighting to not descend into full blown panic attacks 😦

My mind is racing, and everytime I close to my eyes, I see my dads war game, call of duty, he was playing earlier in the day 😦 I dunno why? I was watching it a bit, and I wasn’t feeling great earlier either. And when I was younger I suffered seizures briefly that doctors couldn’t find any reason for and could only put it down to video games I was playing.

Maybe this is playing on my mind?