A few years ago I was happier, I had hope, I had friends, a social life, I was close to my family. I remember the point when I noticed it was all changing.
It was August 2010 and I was sat in a sunny field with one of my best friends, at a big uk festival, I had my sunglasses on, surrounded by thousands of people. The week before my doctor had prescribed me anti depressants, I didn’t think I was depressed, I had told the doctors my symptoms, and filled out a form, and the conclusion was I was depressed, but I didn’t take the tablets because I thought he was wrong.
But as I sat there, at what later should’ve been one of the happiest memories in my life, I realised that beneath my sunglasses I was crying, not because I was happy, but because I felt numb to happiness. I could see everyone around me having the time of their life, and I was enjoying the festival, 4 out of 6 of my favourite bands were there, on of my best friends was there, the sun was beating down on me and I knew I should’ve used sunscreen, and yet I wasn’t happy.
I sat there thinking “is this it? these moments we look forward to, is that all life is? looking forwards to moments cos you hope/believe they might be the thing that makes you happy and this might be the thing that you find life worth living for, and ultimately being left disappointed because you’re now so broken you no longer feel happiness?”
I don’t think I’ve been happy since… I thought I was happy pre August 2010, but not pre June 2008, maybe for a brief moment between June 2008 – August 2010 I found a way to be happy.
I socialised every weekend, I had a three best friends, and a few groups of other friends, I was close to my sister, my brother and his girlfriend. I went on days outs, dinner with the family, dinner with friends, I enjoyed my job, I went to the gym, I worked out in various ways, I was fairly happy with my weight and how I looked. Most importantly my panic attacks seemed all but gone. My health was okish, I still had a low immune system, but in comparison to now, my health was fantastic! I was happy, active, I was living.
I’m not sure how depression seeped in, or exactly when, I just remember that moment I realised that I was, in fact, severely depressed, hiding behind my sunglasses crying.
Everyday since then, I’ve wondered “how do I find that girl again?”, how did I ever find her?
I became that happy person despite losing my mum in 2006, despite becoming estranged with one of my best friends because she didn’t know how to cope with me losing my mum, despite the first man I ever loved and had been in a relationship with for four years cheating on me and breaking my heart and still wanting me to be his best friend! Despite the adversity I had gone/was going through, I still managed to fight my way through and find happiness. How did I lose it?
How do I find it again?….