How do I rebuild?

I’ve spent weeks, if not months falling apart, slowly at first until I reached a crashing crescendo.

I went months thinking I was happy, barely crying, plodding along with life. Then everything got crazy, all at once it all became unbearable.

It’s like one minute you’re juggling and the balls are paper and the next their boulders. You don’t know when it changed, because mere seconds ago that ball was paper and you handled it with ease and then suddenly it’s a boulder and you’ve lost your grip and now the others are going to fall and they’re going to destroy everything else and crush you.

I’m trying to work out what I want, what I need. I’m not sure I’ll ever know, but one thing is for certain. I’m tired of being alone, I’m tired of being used. I want, no, I NEED someone to help me. I need someone that can help ease that burden, someone that will put me fist once in a while. I need someone that cares about me and sees through my shit and my lies when I’m struggling and saying I’m fine. Someone that can tell me to stop and take care of myself before it all falls.

I’ll never have that, I know I won’t. I’m not lucky, I’m not blessed. I have myself and that’s all, and to be honest I would leave me too if I could.

So now everything’s gone to shit and the rest of the year will be more of me losing control. I need to rebuild now, but I have to fall further yet.

I have an overwhelming urge to tear everything down, beyond the foundations and rebuild. But this time I would take meticulous care of each brick, because those bricks represent such important parts of my life, not just my life, but myself. Those bricks represents my family, my friendships, they represent my physical health and my mental health. They represent my head, my heart and my soul. They represent my nature, my morals, my values.
I need to rebuild and find those things that are important, I need to cherish them.
I need to not let them get over taken by all the junk that I’ve accumulated in my life, all that crap I should’ve thrown away. I need to keep my foundation strong and my focus on my core, the things that are important. I need to learn to let go of things, I need to learn whats worth fighting for and what isn’t.
I need to learn when to support and encourage others, and when to tell them they’re wrong, but I need to stop fighting others battles for them.

I need to tear it down and start again. Then maybe I’ll be worthy of someone’s support and if not maybe I’ll be strong enough on my own?

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It’s all an act…

I really thought I was doing so much better.

Sure I still suffer anxiety at times, still get those days where I feel ill or down. But on the whole I seemed better. But I think it’s all been an act.

Now I feel like I’m on a whirlwind downward spiral and I’m falling so fast I can’t find anything to take hold off.

The things that usually stop me aren’t in sight, they aren’t there or they’re not working.

I’m arguing with my Dad, I’m snapping at everyone, I’m struggling to find motivation to do things, I’m fucking up things when I do. I feel like I’m stretche unbareably thin and in order to get everything done I have to cut corners and reduce quality.

I’m constantly on edge, I’m so angry, at any point I’m ready to fly into a rage, I’m smashing things, I’m ruining things, I’m destructive, physically, mentally.

I don’t know how this happened, I don’t know how to stop, but I can’t find joy in anything, I just want to scream at everyone, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT!!

I want to lash out, I want to completely derail, I want to lose myself completely, I want people to finally see what I’ve been trying to deal with and see how it’s impacted me.

I want them to see that I’ve seemed fine because I was fighting so hard to keep it together, to continue on, that it was my sheer will and determination that kept me going, not that life was peachy. I want them to see all the crap I’ve been putting up with, the stuff that had them falling apart within moments, the stuff they burdened me with, all of them, even though I had all my stuff going on and still I kept going. I want them to see that I can only be strong and level for so long, until it just combusts and burns everything.

I want someone to be there for me, like I am for so many. I want them to say hey let’s talk for hours until you feel like maybe the load lifted a little.

I want to unleash, I want people to feel the force of what they put unto me, I want them to suffer the way they should. I want to break other people the way they’ve broken me.

I don’t want to be a wreck, I want to be strong.
I don’t want to cry and break down, I want to be collected.
I don’t want to be angry, I want to be happy.

I don’t want to be me, I want to be free.

Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

Outcome

The past few days have been hard and horrible and I feel like I’ve taken a million steps backwards and I’m 11 again.

I’m handing in my resignation at work. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should stand up and fight.
But why? What will that really achieve? Everyone will be aware at how emotional and weak I am. Everyone will continue to talk behind my back, only I will have handed them extra amunition. The people who spouted the vile words won’t get into trouble and they will just hate me more. I’ve been here before, this is exactly what happened at school. I’m not going through all that again. These people aren’t adults, if they were they wouldn’t have spoken like this in the first place.

So I’m doing what’s best for me and my piece of mind, I’m removing myself from the situation. It’s gonna be a huge stress financially, but I’m gonna hunt for a job constantly and for now anything is better than nothing, so temp jobs will do.
As for the mental damage, It will take me some time to get over the renewed and heightened anxiety and paranoia that I’m constantly feeling and the depression. But I think the best thing is to get out of the situation before any more damage can be done.

I ended up calling in sick today at the advice of a “friend” she told me not act hastily and just have another day to think things over. But I just know that I can’t stay, even if they never said another word about me again, I would be thinking they were thinking it, because I know they have thought it and said it. Whenever they looked at me, whenever they laughed, I’d be thinking they’re saying it again. If I don’t see them, eventually I’m not gonna be thinking about it daily. Sure I’ll never forget it, It’ll be filed away into my long term memory with every other horrible experience, so that my brain can torment me with it at a future date. But better one new horrible memory than multiple.

I know I’ve probably made the wrong choice and people will think I’m weak and stupid, you’re probably right. I’m angry at myself for being weak, for not sucking it up, for not throwing on my ‘I don’t give a shit’ facade, I’m angry that I’m “letting them win”, but I’m also hurt, humiliated, paranoid, anxious, disgusted, depressed. I already had enough going on and to handle, I didn’t need this as well.

So I’m picking my battles, and this one isn’t it. My battle is my health, physical and mental, my battle is my life and keeping all those balls up in the air that have to be juggled, my battle isn’t girls who still have a high school mentality and think you can judge and belittle someone that you barely know because you work in the same office. The things I can say about them if I was to sink to their level, but I’m better than that, so I’m leaving them to bitch about whatever they want. But not in front of me, because the only other option to crumbling is detroying and I wouldn’t stop.

Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

Job or no Job?

Going for a meeting in work to see if I still have a job or not :/
I feel sick! I barely slept last night cos I kept playing this out in my mind!

I’m still really ill, got a bad chest infection still, doctors told me to stay home and get plenty of rest, but I’ve got to go into work for a stressful meeting which will either result in losing my job, and then I can panic about everything, or I will keep my job (hopefully) but then I will have to stay at work.

Ah yes I have an horrible upset stomach from being on so much antibiotics so I’m really looking forward to being in a public place 😦 oh and the coughing fits where I end up throwing up!! Yes the next few hours will be a joy!

EDIT: The answer was no job.