Depression and Illness (minor and major)

I had started this year off with mostly positivity, sure I’ve had low days but for the most part they never lasted more than a day. Probably the best start I’d had to a year in the past decade, maybe … Continue reading

selfish
[sel-fish]

adjective
1. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2. characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

A ‘friend’ of mine wrote about depression, about how sufferers need support, understanding, to not be abandoned or given up on. I know that the irony of her words would be lost on her.
That she has, only yesterday and many times before, abandoned someone who is suffering from depression and needed support. The same someone who no matter what, stopped what they were doing and pulled themselves together, to support her, who never left her abandoned, always tried to understand, and would never give up on her, even when they had given up on themselves!

In the time I’ve known her, I’ve never not once been by her side when she needed. The times she cried for help, however loud or silent, I was physically by her side. The times her depression almost won, I helped pick her back up, I wouldn’t leave her alone or give up on her. The times something was wrong and even she didn’t know what or why, when she just needed a friend to help her understand or to listen. Never once have I ignored a call or message. Yet I have spent months alone, begging the universe to send me someone who will understand and support me, to just have someone say, “Hey friend, don’t worry, I’m here”.

The last time I cried out for help, I was feeling suicidal, I wanted to end it, I sent out a message begging for support, just someone to talk me through it until the thoughts passed, thankfully they always pass. I had no response. A week later I saw this friend, the friend who wrote about depression, who I’ve always supported, She said to me “sorry I didn’t reply to your message, but I’m not going to pander to that sort of thing anymore” she mentioned something about defeating depression by ignoring it. Less than a week later I received a message begging me to help her… for a split second I thought about ignoring her, not pandering to her, but I was always half way out the door to help her.

I wondered to myself, would she remember what she said, “I’m not going to pander to that”, if one day I asked for help and she while she ignored it, I succeeded with ending it all? 
Would she think that she had done the right thing not “pandering” to my cry for help. Would she recognise that she had abandoned me, had forgotten to understand and support and had left me feeling like everyone had given up on me? Of course she wouldn’t.

I’ll just continue fighting it on my own, pretending that I’m fine, maybe one day someone will see the pain behind my smile.

“The belief that unhappiness is selfless and happiness is selfish is misguided. It’s more selfless to act happy. It takes energy, generosity, and discipline to be unfailingly lighthearted, yet everyone takes the happy person for granted. No one is careful of his feelings or tries to keep his spirits high. He seems self-sufficient; he becomes a cushion for others. And because happiness seems unforced, that person usually gets no credit.”
Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

“Self-absorption in all its forms kills empathy, let alone compassion. When we focus on ourselves, our world contracts as our problems and preoccupations loom large. But when we focus on others, our world expands. Our own problems drift to the periphery of the mind and so seem smaller, and we increase our capacity for connection – or compassionate action.”
Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
David Foster Wallace

“It is not seen as insane when a fighter, under an attack that will inevitable lead to his death, chooses to take his own life first. In fact, this act has been encouraged for centuries, and is accepted even now as an honorable reason to do the deed. How is it any different when you are under attack by your own mind?”
Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

“Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive. When somebody dies after a long illness, people are apt to say, with a note of approval, “He fought so hard.” And they are inclined to think, about a suicide, that no fight was involved, that somebody simply gave up. This is quite wrong.”
Sally Brampton

“And I want to tell you about everything but I can’t because I couldn’t stand for you to have that look on your face all the time. I just need you to look at me and think that I’m normal. I just really need that from you.”
Nina LaCour, Hold Still

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.”
Jeannette Walls

But to a person suffering clinical depression/bipolar could that not seem like a terminal illness?

Does that mean that all the years they spent fighting to stay, all the times they sought help are now forgotten because they’re now defined forever by that one action of succeeding in taking their life?

friends?…

I feel so low, I feel like I have no one and no where to turn to.
Once again last night it was evident that to my “friends” I’m just a convenience, I drive and I’m always free, therefore I’m always available to take them somewhere on a night out free of charge!

The evidence to support this fact, is countless nights where it’s been exactly this case, countless times of hearing oh no I can’t go to that as who would drive me?!, countless remarks about me being the driver, countless times of being forgotten about on those nights out, their backs turned to me, fairly positive that I could just leave and they wouldn’t notice til the end of the night when they needed a lift home! countless times of being left out when a lift isn’t required, why would they think to invite me when they don’t need someone to drive?! or someone to go with?!

And why do these “friends” feel the need to belittle me so often?! and if I have anything good, they belittle that too, even if originally before I got it, they wanted it and thought it was awesome, why have they got to put me down so much and make me feel so low about myself?!

I’m just a means to an end with my “friends”. I didn’t think my life used to be like this, maybe I’m wrong now, maybe I was always just useful to people, maybe all people have ever done is use me…. maybe that’s all people to do each other full stop!

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore… will anyone ever really care about me? put me before themselves? want to spend time with me because I make them smile and I make their day a little brighter? or will I always just be the back up…

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Family Matters…

My family have always been the most important thing to me, then my friends, then every thing else.

Seeing my brother struggling in his relationship break up with the mother of his children is hard. He’s now realising he never dealt with the death of our mum, and how much he leaned on his now ex, for support in that crucial time.

A few days ago he tried to top himself, luckily he’s staying with a friend, and his friend popped into his room unexpectedly and stopped him and is keeping the pills away from him now.

My brother has now decided he will seek help from the doctor for the depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s made me realise that even though I understand what he’s going through, I don’t know how to help him, because I’m not in a good place either, so I’m kinda just in agreement with him, how can you tell someone not to take their own life and to stay here when you don’t wanna be here either?!

I stay strong for my family, for my dad! I hope the doctors can help him realise he has so much to stay strong for, his two beautiful children, our dad, me, the many people who love him!

The funny thing after my Mum’s death was that me and my dad both went to counselors, different ones, my sister and brother didn’t, they both took themselves away from the situation and buried themselves into their own little families.
They’re now the ones who can’t handle thinking about Mum, who haven’t come to terms with her passing, even tho I still miss my mum more than anything, and i always will, I can think of her fondly, and I can remember beautiful memories, I can be in the house and room that she passed in without much thought. I can visit her grave and talk and smile, I cry too  but I guess I have dealt with her loss more than they have, maybe as much as I can, I’m in a healthier place. I sure do miss her alot though, she was such a beautiful person inside and out. So compassionate and caring even to people she didn’t know! A very beautiful soul! My world is certainly a darker place without her.

I hope the doctors help My brother, until then I will continue to worry and fret about him.

Life is too short…

In life things will happen that effect you on some level, and sometimes things effect you that you would never have expected and they can effect you on a much deeper level than you could ever have expected.

Today was one of those days. Hearing about someone’s passing can come as a shock, whether you knew them well, knew them briefly or sometimes not even at all, often in the case of celebrity, very few people will have had the chance to meet them and so it can be confusing when you are rocked by their passing.

But you invite these people into your lives, whether it be through connecting with the characters they play or the music they create, you end up making a bond, and just because you never met them, doesn’t mean that your feelings can be diminished. This isn’t my point though, so moving on.

When people die young I feel a huge sense of sadness at the time they’ve lost, the moments they’ve been robbed of, of the memories they’re loved ones who survive them haven’t the chance to experience. Weddings, Birthdays, Children, Dreams.

I feel a huge sense of sadness at any loss, I’ve suffered loss, so I find it so easy to put myself in the place of those who are left to grieve. The ones who have to come to terms with their loved one no longer being here. Trying to find a way to live life again, and not be consumed by the pain and the black hole left inside from the loss.

I remember the initial shock and realisation, my worst fear was transpiring.
I remember feeling guilt, was there something I could’ve done? should’ve done?

I remember being in denial, she wasn’t gone, this couldn’t be happening.
I remember feeling anger, at the doctors who failed her, at the world, at anyone who dared tell me they understood and time was a great healer.
I remember the numbness, the exhaustion from crying, the sleepless nights, the waking up crying, the dreams she constantly appeared in.

It’s something that we all go through at some point in our lives, we just all hope that we’ll be much older when we do, because we find it such a comfort to say that someone had lived a full and accomplished life.
Unfortunately life doesn’t work like this, and more often than not we are faced with the shock of losing some suddenly and too young.

Sometimes its because of a disease, and we are left bewildered at life,

Sometimes there is no other reason than the frailty of the human body,

Sometimes its an awful accident, and Sometimes it is our own self destruction.
We are always reminded of how short life is, and how powerless we are to the inevitability of death.

When someones passing is due to their own self destruction, I can never seem to wrap my thoughts around how?
How does someone reach such a dark place in their life that they either slowly kill themselves or take their own life?

I’ve suffered depression and anxiety for more than a decade of my life. And even though there have been times when I’ve wish I was no longer here, ultimately I have always found something that kept me fighting. My Mum (Rest her soul), My Dad, My family, My friends.
Maybe my loss wouldn’t effect them, Maybe my Dad would cope just fine without me, but if there’s even a 1% chance that I would cause them any heartache or discomfort, I couldn’t willingly destroy my own life. Because I couldn’t destroy them, I love them far too much. So if I have to suffer on in life to ensure they’re safe and happy, that’s the burden I have to carry.

So maybe I understand those who have no one, if I had no one, I wouldn’t be here, there would be no reason to fight. But how do those that do have loved ones destroy themselves, and ultimately their loved ones?

How do they get so low? How does the darkness consume them so much that all they can think about is the relief of a substance or a way out?
How does darkness overcome love?!

They may want with all their heart to be strong and find their way to the light for the person they love, who loves them in return, and yet they can’t, because the darkness is stronger.

What is this darkness that consumes and destroys, where does it come from, and if Love can’t beat it, can anything?!

Is there something more we can/should do for people who find themselves so alone and hopeless?

I can’t help but look at people, complete strangers in the street, and wonder what are they thinking, are they happy? are they struggling?

I’ve always hated that I’m a compassionate person, because it means I get attached easily and I want to help, I want to make a difference in someone’s life. But in doing so, you open yourself up to emotions and getting hurt.

How many times have we walked past someone who needed help.
Who just needed someone to show them compassion, or someone who was so lost in the world, that they were not long for it?
I know that it’s different for everyone, every lost person has a different story, and we’ll never know what they feel inside.

I guess all the love in the world can’t erase the fact that no matter how much we fight it, no matter how many people surround us, we are all alone, in our heads and our emotions.
Maybe that’s the darkness…