Love Unspoken…

I’m tormenting myself with love, it could be unrequited, but I’d actually have to tell him to find that out.
I’ve never been good at exposing my feelings, I’m terrified of making myself vulnerable to people. I did it once before and was eventually left devastated by someone who claimed to love me.

Now I’m so terrified of history repeating that I’ve closed myself off from the possibility and the only person hurting me is now myself!

This is one of the biggest traits of my personality, I’ve forever kept people at a distance and when my mum died it only heightened this defence.
As I see it when people know your true emotions, they gain power, power they can wield over you, they use those emotions against you, in my experience this is what has happened, this is why I keep people at bay.

But I’m in love, and as far as I’m aware, he has no idea. He’s a friend in a circle of people I know and see frequently. I’ve liked him almost as long as I’ve known him.

When I first met him I was attracted to him but I was with someone else so I never thought anymore of it. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him, and I eventually realised I had a bit of a crush on him. Again I was still with someone, this relationship was slowly coming to an end, not that it mattered he was in a long-term relationship anyway.

Then a couple of years ago something happened that made me realised I had fallen in love with him, so I tried to get over it, after all he was with someone, I had sworn never to love again, apparently my heart had other ideas!

I made the conscious decision to just enjoy having a crush on someone, enjoy our talks, enjoy our hugs and try to think nothing more of it. It sort of worked, sometimes it didn’t and I would come away feeling utterly miserable realising I’d fallen for someone I couldn’t have but really wanted.

Things continued on like that for a while, I tried not seeing him, but it just made me think of him more and miss him more.
The recently he became single and my heart did a little leap of joy.
My heart says tell him how you feel, see what happens, my head says woman you are crazy, he’s never gonna be interested in you and even if he was he’d only hurt you, my heart thinks so what, your miserable anyway, what do you have to lose, my head answers your pride!

And this is where I am stuck, a constant battle between my head and heart, whenever I see him I’m happy, when he hugs me I feel at peace and lost in my own secret world of joy, when I have to break away from the hug and go home I feel utterly depressed and it gets harder every time.

When I’m not around him I think about him frequently, he’s quite often the first and last thought of my day, I have no doubt I’m in love with this man, but unfortunately I just have no idea what he would think or feel if he knew?

I’m too afraid to find out, so is this the hell I’m gonna be stuck in now, loving, wishing, hoping, but never knowing?

“It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. But it’s worse to love someone and never find the courage to tell them how you feel…” – Unknown

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.” – Federico García Lorca

“I never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart
But you came around and you knocked me off the ground from the start
You put your arms around me
And I believe that it’s easier for you to let me go
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me ’cause I’m already falling
I’ll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I’m home” – Christina Perri, Arms


No Strength

Today has been tough, I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep, the unrequited love I’m torturing myself with or once again being lied to by a friend. It’s been a ridiculously emotional day, I’ve burst into tears many times for no apparent reason, and I’ve felt like I’m going slightly crazy, I was writing in my journal earlier about how I felt, I’ve decided to post it and see if it helps lift the weight, sometimes writing it down helps, and sometimes it’s saying it out loud, but when that’s too hard maybe just writing and putting it out into the world is the second best thing? who knows…

I appear to be this strong person who copes with whatever life throws at me… truth is I’m a wreck, I never cope with anything I simply avoid the negative emotions that these events induce and I spend every day gripped my silent fear, I feel like I’m going insane, I often feel that at any moment I could crack, that I’m teetering on the edge and any second I’m about to lose my balance and lose myself to the chaos of my mind. Yet I never seem to, because I do what I’m good at and I push it as far out of my conscious thought as possible, I fill my mind and being with trivial matters and past times, all the while a voice in the back of my mind telling me that soon this won’t work, soon I will crack and I will crumble… and then what will people think… what will become of me then… how will my family and friends cope… who will try to heal me… who will care?

I’m not strong, I’m weak, I’m a shadow of whoever I once was and with everyday that passes I lose a little more of myself. One day there will be nothing left to show, just a shell of a person who was once here. I wonder if it would be different if I had somewhere to turn, if there was a soul in the world who cared, someone who cared enough to say I’m here, I will try to understand and I will help you be strong when you are weak.

I feel like I’m breaking down, I want to cry all the time, sometimes I can’t stop the tears flowing, sometimes my thoughts hurt so much I have to hold my head, and double over as though the thoughts are causing me physical pain, and even though they aren’t, it still somehow feels like they are. Sometimes I explode with rage, and that rage is often directed towards myself, pulling hair, scratching, biting, punching, kicking objects, punching walls. Sometimes I sit numbly wishing my life away, hating myself for the thoughts and wishes and yet still doing it.
I know people say that if your questioning your sanity then you’re actually of sound mind, but is it not possible I’m just aware that it’s slipping out of my grasp?
And then just like that, after crying and feeling like I’m on the brink of madness, it’s gone and I feel, well nothing?! Not happy, not sad, nothing!

I think I might be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I have to keep fighting… somehow.