Confession: I don’t want to be alone anymore

I’ve always tried to pretend I’m ok with being alone, that I prefer my own company, that I can do things I want too, That I’m strong enough to get myself through all the downs and downs of life. If anyone in my life believes that, they’re either deluding themselves or don’t know my very well.

I’m tired of struggling through things on my own. Tired of having nowhere to turn for support and a shoulder to lean on.

I’m tired of “friends” and “family” draining me of all my energy and strength when they need support or help and then leaving me deflated and empty when they’re ok.

I’m tired of looking around and seeing no one I can share my life with, my worries, my joys, general observations.

I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being ignored. I’m tired of being invisible and unimportant to everyone.

I just want one person to say I see you, I care, I’m here, I’m not just going to use you when it suits me and leave you drowning in darkness when you’re in need.

Someone like this must exist surely?! or am I not worthy of such a person in my life?

Does anyone really care?

Does anyone else ever feel like the only purpose they might have in life is to be used by other people?

I feel like when I’m not being forgotten about or treated like shit, I’m being used for what I can offer others.
That might be that I can drive, therefore if a friend wants to go shopping suddenly I’m the only person they want to know. Or a friend is very depressed and needs someone to talk too, then they won’t leave me alone, but as soon as their happy and ok again I don’t see them for dust.

But what about if I need something? What if I’m low and need a friend? What about if I need some support because my Dad’s ill? What about if I just wanted some company cos being alone sucks and maybe socialising with people and going shopping or something would be fun, where are these people then? Nowhere!!!

I spend my time feeling alone and miserable and depressed, drowning in my sorrow that life’s causing me, desperate to talk to someone and have a shoulder to lean on, find someone who might spare me 10 minutes of their time so I don’t feel so alone in the world and can stop internalising all my fears and emotions. To know that someones cares if I’m alive or dead, that my existence matters more and can’t just be filled be public transport or a counselor and that even if it could that someone cares about me and doesn’t care if I can’t offer them anything in return.

Do people actually do that? Do people care about people even if they have nothing of value to offer? Or are we all just out for what we can gain?

I feel like I’m drowning and I’m desperate for someone who can just help me, they don’t need to save me, just keep me afloat.

friends?…

I feel so low, I feel like I have no one and no where to turn to.
Once again last night it was evident that to my “friends” I’m just a convenience, I drive and I’m always free, therefore I’m always available to take them somewhere on a night out free of charge!

The evidence to support this fact, is countless nights where it’s been exactly this case, countless times of hearing oh no I can’t go to that as who would drive me?!, countless remarks about me being the driver, countless times of being forgotten about on those nights out, their backs turned to me, fairly positive that I could just leave and they wouldn’t notice til the end of the night when they needed a lift home! countless times of being left out when a lift isn’t required, why would they think to invite me when they don’t need someone to drive?! or someone to go with?!

And why do these “friends” feel the need to belittle me so often?! and if I have anything good, they belittle that too, even if originally before I got it, they wanted it and thought it was awesome, why have they got to put me down so much and make me feel so low about myself?!

I’m just a means to an end with my “friends”. I didn’t think my life used to be like this, maybe I’m wrong now, maybe I was always just useful to people, maybe all people have ever done is use me…. maybe that’s all people to do each other full stop!

I just don’t want to feel alone anymore… will anyone ever really care about me? put me before themselves? want to spend time with me because I make them smile and I make their day a little brighter? or will I always just be the back up…

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